We have stumbled upon a dilemma. We stopped by the future in-laws tonight because they’d mentioned providing some help with some of the wedding details. During the course of our conversation, they mentioned having some concern that we were planning an adult ceremony and reception. Apparently, some of their relatives have children and mentioned to THEM (WTF?) that they had concern that it was an adults only event. To top it all off, his folks aren’t totally sure that these folks will even come to the wedding.
Needless to say, both of us were caught off guard. The parents then mentioned that the help they would be willing to provide would be to pay for babysitting services. Our venue is not equipped to handle a baby sitting area and there are no places in the area to drop children off. Can you say caught off guard part 2??!! I have not accounted for any children in my wedding save my 4 year old niece as flower girl.
During the course of the conversation and to keep the peace, I mentioned that I didn’t have a problem with older children being included (age 10 and up) and that since our max was 150 guests, I would need to make some adjustments to make sure I stayed under the headcount that we had contracted for. That isn’t what we really want to do but at that point in time, Myron and I needed to re-group, reconvene and discuss it between the two of us. We moved on to other points of discussion regarding the wedding and then we left to go home.
When we got in the car the more Myron thought about it, the more bothered he was. He really wanted an adult only wedding and I readily went along with that because I’ve been at weddings where folks won’t take their crying babies out of the ceremony and little kids nearly take out people out on the dance floor at the reception. He is of the opinion that for this one day, this is our wedding and if folks can’t make arrangements for their children for a few hours and can’t make the wedding then that’s how it has to be. He was doubly pissed that his relatives (mainly uncles and aunts) were coming to his parents and not to him about this. I have already expressed to my folks that we were having an adult affair. My own brother has an infant and he knows that he’s going to need to make arrangements for my little nephew for a few hours.
In the grand scheme of things we are talking about potentially 4-6 children. But the point of us having an adult reception was to keep everybody and their mama from bringing children and extra folks that we cannot afford to pay for and to have the wedding that we’d envisioned. Both of our families are large!
Wu-Tang is for the children and so are we, just not necessarily at our wedding.
He asked me to blog this to get opinions from you guys. What would you do??? Are we wrong for feeling like this?
No longer unemployed, no longer a bride... 
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Holy comments Batman!
1t of all – LMFAO!!! @ “Wu-Tang is for the children and so are we”. That was a good outloud laugh. I needed that.
I can’t read all these comments so I’ll just tell you what we’re doing. Our venue doesn’t care if a guest is 8or 80 – a seat is a seat & it costs the same. Also – just ONE example: his Aunt has 7 children – they’re all married and have at least 2 children each. That’s 28 people right there!! Not happening. Then you get the whole “how come her kids are here and mine aren’t?” thing. Not worth it.
We actually asked a couple parents who said they were looking forward to a kid-free night. One of my girlfriends begged me NOT to invite her kids. She said she really wanted to party with all our friends and wouldn’t be able to if she was running around being “mommy” all night. Settled.
Plus – isn’t that what in-laws are for?? 😉
im so going through this right now. if i let all of the children of invited guests come i will have 39 kids, 13 teens, and 6 babies at my wedding. i thought of hiring someone i know who is a child care professional and maybe a colleague or two of hers to watch the kids in a separate yet adjoined area with some activities. the thought of even planning that out is way too much for me right now though. anyway, what *YOU* want is what goes…period.
Here is another vote to stick to your guns and do the wedding as you envision it. It’s a simple choice on whether to have kids or not and guests should respect either choice.
Oh one more comment. Your intended should not be too upset that family asked his parents about the wedding. 😉 It is actually proper “etiquette”. Just like folks should ask your parents/maid of honor/etc to find out where you are registered, it’s ok for them to ask those other logistical questions to parties other than the bride and groom.
I have not read all the comments, BUT I have two thoughts
1) It’s your wedding, do what you want to do BUT
2) be aware of the message you are sending. I’ll give you an example. My BIL is getting married to his son’s mother. Every one of his 5 brother’s and sisters has at least 1 child under the age of 3. EVERY one of his FIVE brothers and sisters is traveling from Out of town to attend his wedding. They want an adult only wedding and reception. But what do you expect the 5 bros/sisters to do with their children under the age of 3??
When you have a wedding and reception you (or your parents) are considered the hosts. You are inviting guests to share your special day with you. Yes, it is all about you… but your are still hosting an event. A good hosts is sensitve and accomodating to their guests needs.
What does that mean? Depends on your situation. Prehaps you have a sitter present or offer referrals or have a childeren’s table, make sure your venue does count children as a paying guest (mine did not) etc, etc, etc..
Personally, I think we get too caught up in having “my day”. It is your wedding, you will do what you want, but how important is it? Do you really want to tell folks not to come. Do you want to be in the position of ok’ing kids for the cousin that is traveling not saying no to your in town friend? A wedding is the merging of two families and sometimes familes include children. We can wish, but it really isn’t just about the bride and the groom.
No kids.
Your wedding.
Your rules.
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You have a lot of great advice here already. Here is my two cents…
NO KIDS. There may be only 4-5 right now, but the MINUTE you open it up to bring kids EVERYBODY is gonna bring em and you won’t find out till you get pookie n ’ems rsvp card back (if you get it back at all…”you knew we was coming”) that they are bringing BeBe’s kids. Princess Cara is a great, well behaved kid, but I’m not bringing her to a wedding. PERIOD.
I know how much it costs/per person. I know that the couple have a certain head count that they planned for and when you have to start throwing in kids…that means one of your ADULT friends have to be cut off the list to make the numbers work. HUMPH.
If the aunt & uncles can’t figure out how to hire their own damn babysitter, then I guess they have to miss it. You just can’t please everyone and shouldn’t even start to try. If they are rude enough to not respect your boundaries & common decency & decorum for your wedding…just think how they gonna violate it later. Start now. They will get over it.
If they want to pay for babysitting services then let THEM work it out at a separate location. NOT AT THE VENUE. NOT AT THE WEDDING. NOT AT THE RECEPTION. Let them make all the arrangements and do what they want to do. Let TIH & M2 keep truckin.
I think the compromise would be to offer sitting services at another location, ideally the hotel where out of town guests are staying. However, I don’t think 4-6 kids is worth that. I would say do it for at least 10 kids….traveling from out of town.
On the flip side, one of my relatives had at least 10 kids IN HER WEDDING PARTY (by kids, I mean under age 10), then told folks the reception was adults only. One relative did not attend since he couldn’t bring his 2 kids. But I think he felt left out since she already had so many kids in the wedding party (yes, she was doing too much…jr bride jr. bridesmaid etc 5 flower girls…just too much)
I was in another wedding that was smaller and the bride didn’t have any young children in her family at the time. She arranged sitting services and pizza etc at another location for the groom’s family traveling from out of town with their kids.
Then I had another friend who booked the hospitality suite at the hotel where her reception was for the kids of family members and the kids in the wedding or their parents were in the wedding. She had movies, food, even goody bags and paid a friend who worked at a day care to supervise the kids. Her invitation said adult reception, so anyone who ignored that and brought kids was also directed to this room.
If I were you, TIH, I would not go through all those changes, arranging for off-site child care etc. for 4-6 kids, especially if they live right in town. Serenity is right, they get a sitter to go anywhere else! I do think weddings are family occasions…HOWEVER with a larger wedding you simply can’t allow everyone who has kids to bring them. And I would think parents would appreciate an opportunity to socialize sans kids. Your in-laws might want to pay for it but it sounds like their money might go to waste anyway.
I guess if you really want to take advantage of your in-laws offer to pay you could go through your guest list, tally up all the guests who have kids too young to be left alone, get an estimate for a space to hold those kids, how much it would cost to feed and show some movies, how much it would cost for someone to watch them and show them that amount. I bet its more than they thought. Because you can’t just have a sitter just for those relatives who complained could you?
Or you could just put your foot down and keep it moving. But you are not wrong at all. The kids you want there (your neice) will be there.
Hey Lady! Thanks for the link love! I checked out your wewdding website (love how you two met) and you’ve clearly stated the obvious.
As the for the in-laws – wow. One of the people commented that you can’t direct money given to you. I disagree – to a point. What you can do is negotiate it. You don’t want kids, your FIL’s want you to have them. Suggest the money be directed towards a group of babysitters at a central location (like your guest hotel). I considered renting an extra hotel room just for that purpose! The hotel had an indoor pool, food, built in child-friendly activities. Then thy could watch TV and crash if the party went late. Kids love big sleep over stuff like that where they get to stay up late and eat junk food.
I might suggest adding local babysitters on your wedding site.
I’m really glad you commented on my blog – I wouldn’t have found yours! I cna’t wait to see where all this ends up for you! Good luck with the rug-rats! 🙂
Louise
I’m a person with a child. A well-behaved child actually. And I believe a couple of things: 1)there are venues & events that are NOT kid friendly and 2)weddings are about the COUPLE. Period. They are not about the friends, the family, the coworkers, the neighbors, the high school teachers, etc. Do you. And Myron of course. Serenity said it best: when they wanna shake a tailfeather, they find a sitter. Call that bamma up and get them to watch the kid(s). Slide ’em a couple bucks and call it Christmas. I cringe at people who ALWAYS expect accommodations for stuff. Suck it up or send a gift.
I’m with most people on the issue – create the day that you and Myron want, with or without children. Period.
I wanted an adult only wedding and reception, but realized that since we were getting married over Labor Day weekend and at least 100 of our 200 guests were family coming from NY/NJ/CT, it just wasn’t realistic to expect those folks to make arrangements for their children. We had a room setup at the venue with a tv, dvds, board games, etc. Everything worked out fine.
Whatever you choose, be comfortable with it and don’t feel pressured to do something ya’ll don’t want to do.
WHOS WEDDING IS IT ANYWAY? You can do one of two things:
A. You can do your wedding the way YOU & MYRON see fit and let people talk about the two of you like dogs.
B. You can do your wedding the way OTHERS see fit and people will talk about the two of you like dogs anyway.
Pick one. Once you cave in on one decision, you’ll continue to cave in on others. No matter how much a bride and groom accomodate everyone, someone will:
a. Not like the food
b. Not like the music
c. Not like the venue because its too far/too small/ too happy
and the list goes on and on and on.
Put your foot down. No kids. I have several kids and when the Mr and I step out, we always have childcare (you and Myron know this) and the host, hostesses, or parents NEVER have to pay. If they want to attend, they’ll find their own babysitter. If they don’t attend, then they were looking for an excuse not to come anyway AND not to bring a gift anyway. Believe that.
Raw but you asked me to provide my opinion! LOL
Your day. Not theirs. Not a “societal lesson”, not a family reunion. It’s the day that TT & MM become one and it’s celebrated YOUR way. This got my pressure up.
Last year I helped a friend of mine plan a destination wedding. We deliberately had it at an adults-only resort. We love the kids but this was for the grown folks.
Do you, girl.
If these are your aunts and uncles then they would also be your parents
siblings. I don’t think it’s offensive for your parents own siblings to discuss
kids at your wedding. It is part of the wedding etiquette and standard
protocol to bring questions/needs to the parents. Plus most people think the groom is not up on the wedding details, so they ask the groom’s mom
who discusses it with the bride.
I don’t think it’s your place to try and direct your parents money. You can request but after that you either accept or reject it. My mother wanted to pay for our wedding food and have a specific menu. My husband thought she was controlling too much. Result she said we can have full control over the menu and pay for it too. HA!
I can’t be mad at that because I use my money to get what I want and other people do the same.
Not to say you should invite the kids but I wonder if people are aware that stuff like that is more important and memorable to kids than adults.
Weddings are traditions, not parties, and you join two families and two lives
and the kids are excluded. The kid will remember details for a lifetime, their parents will forget on the car ride home.
Myron has a right to be pissed. How dare someone try to dictate to YOUR parents how things should be. If they show up with children anyway, I would have strict instructions for the host/hostess to turn them away because they were warned in advanced.
This happened to us when we had my grandmother’s 90th birthday party. It was adults only, but my mom made an exception for a friend coming from St. Croix with an baby. Do you know someone saw the pictures in the newspaper and called my mom to tell her they didn’t appreciate how she made concessions for certain people. Smh.
You should go check out 30 Something Bride…she just wrote a blog post about this very topic. After reading her post, I would just say be prepared that some folks will NOT listen to your instructions.
And I can’t count the amount of times that people tried to circumvent the process by going thru my mom. Seriously people?! Either grow a pair or it just must not be that important.
I went to my cousin’s wedding in May and outside of her two daughters and her husband’s nephew and niece that were apart of the wedding party, there were no children at the wedding. And yes, that included her teenaged godchild. Sometimes sacrifices should be made, but when you have to foot the bill for each person that attends (which includes the family members that RSVP’ed and DID NOT show up), you have to chose wisely.
I’d say to allow for extenuating circumstances, but stick to your guns.
Your wedding and your choices. You don’t owe any explanations. People can attend or not. I can’t understand why people think it is okay to expect you to change your arrangements to satisfy their wants or needs! Do not be bullied! If they can’t attend, I am sure you will understand! Funny how people can get a sitter for things THEY want to do!
You and M2 do whatever it is both of your hearts desire. If you guys want no children, then no children there will be. That includes newborns, toddlers, pre-teens, tweens, teens, almost grown, wanna be grown and anything else. LOL
Seriously though, these folks need to remember whose getting married. Newsflash, it ain’t them.
*shrugs* Your wedding, your rules. People can check NO on that RSVP just as easily as they can check YES.
I had a “no child” rule and relented for one friend who was nursing her four-month-old and traveling from Florida. My cousin’s wife decided they wouldn’t come if she couldn’t bring her daughter. I said, “you’ll be missed.”
I also don’t understand people who can’t leave their kids at home some damn time. That’s YOUR baby not mine, hell.
It’s your day, do as you wish!
Okay, I’m of a different opinion about kids and weddings. My personal opinion is that especially in the Black Community, kids need to see people getting married and creating happy families. Weddings are fun, positive, family events. I don’t remember all our family reunions growing up, but I remember being the flowergirl in my cousins wedding, and I remember all the family weddings I’ve been to since then. As a general policy, we don’t exclude children and there is never a question of whether your kids can come. As such, as a general rule, if I can’t bring Aidan to a wedding, I probably wouldn’t go, and I wouldn’t even attempt to find a sitter. But that’s what WE do.
As another aside, I was invited to a wedding where I was told that there would be a babysitting area for the kids. I wasn’t so sure I wanted to drop my baby off in a place unseen with people I didn’t know. It made me a little uncomfortable, and Aidan knows perfectly well how to sit still and be quiet. So, even if you offer the service there’s a chance that some people wouldn’t take advantage of it.
This is YOUR wedding. If you want it adults only, keep it adults only. Tell the parents thanks, but no thanks. Their attempt to help is really an attempt to control. And tell the punk bitches that can’t say things to your face to say it to your ass.
**As an aside, my venue does not include children 12 and under in the headcount. You might wanna check.
This is your wedding that YOU and Myron are planning. Even if you are or are not paying for the entire wedding this is your wedding. Say NO to all kids if you want. People always want what they want and they want you to accommodate them. At your wedding it should be about you and your boo!
Your request is quite common these days. I say stick to it if there’s not a facility to accomodate a babysitting service. If it’s about someone not having childcare, your inlaws can pay someone to keep those kids at someone’s house. People seem to think kids are invited everywhere these days…
Thank you for your response. Actually I believe people know well in advance to make arrangements if they feel it important enough to be there.
If my parents should pay for anything they should pay for something towards the wedding, and NOT paying to take care of anyones children. Also if they have a problem with that, blame ME not my parents. They did not make the plans for the wedding.
If they cannot abide by the request it is very simple……..Family or not…….DON”T COME.
Don’t get me wrong, I would love to see them there. But this is a request that WE made for reasons of having the wedding/reception the way WE wanted it. They should comply just like all others that are. It is OUR wedding and not theirs.
I don’t have kids. But can I bring Apollo? **running out the room**
I would keep it at adults only. Stick to your original plans.
I have a child and unless the bride says it is ok to bring children, I usually just go solo. I even had a babyshowwer to attend in May and it included kids. I was wondering why since the mommy to be didn’t have kids. I guess she just wanted everyone to be able to come. But most people w/kids declined to bring theirs. And I have to ask the same people who bytch about bringing kids, what do they do with their kid when they go to teh club???
You are NOT wrong. Cousin Shenene and nem will roll up to the reception with all 5 of their kids. Put your foot down.
Girl do you/yall and keep it moving. You already know my opinion of people and their thoughts. 🙂
If you two want an adults-only wedding/reception, stick to your guns. They’ll get over it. Eventually. Are you wrong for wanting adults-only? Certainly not!
We had an adults-only ceremony because that was what my mom wanted and neither of us cared one way or the other. In hindsight, she was right – we got married in my folks’ backyard and a crying baby, or squirmy kid would’ve been a major distraction.
As a parent, I wouldn’t be offended if something was adults-only – whether it was a bbq or a wedding. I’d either find a sitter or stay home. My cousin got married last October in Houston and her wedding was adults-only. She asked if I was coming and I was like nope, nobody to keep the kid. She told me to bring her, I did, and that was that. But if she hadn’t offered, I wouldn’t have been mad at all.
Hell no you’re not wrong for this! In my opinion – parents who think their children are entitled to attend events that they aren’t invited to are wrong for this! Especially weddings. And to complain to his family about it?! SMH.
This debate has been going on forever and it’s always annoyed me. I guess more because I don’t have kids, but I just get so annoyed by parents getting their panties in a bunch because their kids aren’t invited to something. Some events are for everyone, some are for adults. Get a babysitter or don’t come. It’s simple.
Sorry. This made me mad and it’s not even my wedding.
Yes it upset me pretty bad. Not because they wanted to include their children, but moreso of them wanting us to adjust a plan that we made to accommodate for them. WTF!!! I am getting married not you…..This is OUR cerimony not YOURS!!!
And for them to make my parents feel that they had to get some type of daycare service so that they can be involed ticked me off even more. If you feel it is THAT importanat for you to be at the wedding, you would abide by any rules set forth by the couple having the event. OR DON”T COME!!! Like Tiffany said we have large families, so I know there is someone to watch the kids.
I just feel WE shouldn’t have to make changes to OUR special day so that OTHER people will be happy……..That is all.