Muddling Through

This post has been in my head for a few days but I’ve been struggling to get it out and on the screen. As I’ve alluded to and if you follow me on Twitter, I’ve made mention of being back on the interview grind. I’m not ready happy about it either. I am working and I am certainly grateful for full time employment and weekly paychecks but this role is just a means to an end. It’s contract which means when I don’t work, I don’t get paid. When I sick, I don’t get paid. If I have a dentist appointment, I don’t get paid. Notice a pattern there?? When I took this role, I decided that I wouldn’t get comfortable again, and I haven’t. But I still don’t like the grind of interviewing.

 I was talking to my mom the other day, and she knows I’ve been interviewing and we started to talk about my old job and I realized something. I am still very angry about being fired. I really thought I had processed and unpacked my feelings about that entire situation but after I got off the phone with her after venting about a job that I haven’t been to in almost 4 months, but apparently I haven’t.

 So I’m mad. I’m mad because I have a lot of movement on my resume in my 20s and early 30s and I think it’s hindering me somewhat as I stare age 40 dead in the face. I’m mad because I had a job that I really liked and people that I liked working with that at a decent company, with decent benefits and a really decent boss (well before I ended with the demon that fired me). I’m mad because I got fired and even the HR rep knew it was some bullshit and said as much. I’m mad because this company was supposed to be my last stop, at least for a while, where I could build some tenure and perhaps move around to a few different roles and now I’m back out here in a still somewhat down economy, grinding.

 I’ve actually had several interviews and phone screens in the last month or so, but I’m mad that employers are assholes and don’t even have the decency to tell you if you have gotten the job, especially if you took time off to interview (recall that don’t work, don’t get paid thing, right).

 I’m mad at myself because the folly of my youth is catching up with me and biting me in the ass. I’m mad because I’m ashamed to be complaining when there are folks who still need jobs. I’m mad because I shouldn’t be comparing myself to some of my friends who have been at their companies for 10 years and I’ve had multiple jobs in that time, but I do. I’m mad because I thought I knew what to do next and I don’t.

 So yeah, I’m kind of muddling through right now. And I’m kinda mad right now. Sorry.

 But not really.

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18 thoughts on “Muddling Through

  1. I know what you mean re: movement. I, too, had a job I loved and a great company and they decided to pack it up and end their US operations. I left there and went to another company which was stable but reorganized, so I got laid off again. I moved out of state for more opportunities and ultimately decided to come back. When I interviewed for my current role, they did ask me about that and I explained the layoffs, etc. I thought maybe I wouldn’t get the job, but I did.

    It just makes me frustrated that these companies can merge, pack it up, and push you out and all of the transition is fine on their end, but if YOU decide to pursue better opportunities, you’re “not stable.” :::sigh:::

    *hugs*

  2. Awwww….its easy to look back and lament at what could be different. I was just saying if I knew 10 years ago what I knew now…my life would be 180 degrees different. I would be married, kids etc. But…I wouldn’t be who I am now…so it is what it is. Those f#ckers fired you…but now you don’t have to deal. Looking for a job SUCKS but you at least have income so you can be a bit discriminating and make sure your next role is a good fit. You have every right to be angry…just don’t let your anger define you. Let it be your motivation.

    I am cheering you on!

  3. I was fired 6 years ago – and it still pisses me off when I think about it. I don’t think there’s a time limit on pissitivity!

    You keep your head up, keep applying for jobs you’re interested in, don’t worry about your past – there’s nothing you can do to change it, and cliche as it may sound – concentrate on your blessings.

    I am prayerful that the job you want is yours soon!

  4. I think someone else mention using your anger to fuel you next steps and I cant find a better way to say it. I’ve held 6 jobs since 2003 (10 years) and I first I thought it would look bad but shucks circumstances and situations happen. And for me, if I aint happy it wont work. So as I’m coming up on a year at this job, I’m preparing for my next steps because I want more for me.

    Pray about it and put in the work/effort and all will work out for the best.

    Peace, Blessings and Laughs

  5. Even I think this is strange for me to be saying. But on Sunday I started the Daniel Fast. Now I think this fast is rather liberal so I’m sticking to just fruit, vegetables, nuts and water ONLY for 21 days. Kind of combining a fast and a detox. Now I already gave up meat Octber 2011, don’t drink soda, drink Green smoothies daily, so I didn’t think that this fast would effect me so drastically. But I woke up on Monday morning with such a clear head and a renewed spirit, that it has shocked me! For the first time in over 2 years I walked into this job WITHOUT a feeling of dread. My attitude and outlook have improved already. I honestly have to confess that I have probably been a bit depressed for most of 2012, job, finances, JOB, wanting to move back home, and JOB worries had me down. We had a Vision Board party that kicked off 2013. The major areas that put on my board are: Laser Focus, Health & Fitness, Finances, and strengthening my spirit. I jumped right into it in January, but I was still feeling a slight drag until I started this fast. I am not a Biblical scholar by any means, not even close, so I’ve decided to read the book of Daniel while doing this fast. Makes sense to me, it is called the Daniel fast right? 🙂

    Anyway I wrote this whole testimonial to suggest that since tomorrow is Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent, why not try a fast for a few days or a few weeks. It has really offered me such clarity in just two days, especially clarity in my spirit. That’s where it seems this job situation has hit you, in your spirit.

    And for the record I am one who totally believes that anger does not have to be a bad thing. I use anger to fuel me to make change, to fuel me to NOT accept what I do not want, to fuel me to get up and make it happen!

  6. Don’t let the multiple jobs deter you. I had four jobs in one year. I had legitimate reasons for leaving each one, but still some explaining had to take place. Just be prepared to honestly discuss your reasons for leaving and keep it moving. What God has for you is for you and no one will get the blessings He has stored up for you. We had this talk before when we were both on the interview grind. You were my inspiration because your hustle was tight!! Stay focused, prayed up and ready to move when God opens that door.

  7. I feel you 10 times over. I did a couple of contract jobs over the course of two plus years. While the money was great, the instability and lack of a full benefits package was not. I jumped ship, went the non-profit route and haven’t looked back. Come April, I will have been at this joint 5 years. That’s the longest I’ve held any job….well almost. It ain’t April yet. LOL!

  8. I’m glad you realized that you are angry – now you can work on getting past it.

    I realized the other day that I’m angry about a few things too as it relates to work and decisions I’ve made. Until I read Serenity’s response to your post, I was planning to stay angry too LOL.

    I’m sure there’s a lesson and blessing in all this. We just don’t know yet.

  9. Sorry your blue, kitten. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we don’t know til we get what we need that it was all for a bigger plan. Try to remember that- it’s all for a bigger plan.

  10. Let go of the anger. That gives them power and no, save that power for you and yours.

    I would say, use this time not to just to find another job, but to figure out what it is you want to do, then, figure out how to get a job doing THAT.

    Woo woo woo ((hugz))

  11. Your 20s sound a lot like mine. If my boss looked at me sideways, I was emailing my resume to Robert Half and nem. I’d work 2 years here, 3 years there, etc… But I simply wasn’t happy with my chosen field. And people will try to make you feel bad or guilty if you deign to complain about a job that only pays the bills. Keep your head up. If this isn’t working for you, come up with plan B. In this job market, you may have to think outside the box.

  12. I just want to say to keep your head up. He has a plan for your life that will make sense of all this in the end. A friend of mine hated his job but made good money and didn’t think he could find better given the economy. Things started to go left and he was forced to jump ship right before they could throw him overboard. He ended up with a job he loves making even more money that never would have even applied for if things hadn’t gotten so bad at the last place.

  13. Stillserenity23 said it all! However, I do understand and share in your anger. I’m definitely turning my anger into some serious soul searching.

  14. I can totally relate! I actually posted something similar, so know that you’re not alone in your frustration. All I can say (to both of us) is to stay prayerful, be thankful in the interim, and press on for that job or company that will be the right fit-with room for professional growth and better pay!

  15. Wow. I know exactly how u feel! I realized in church yesterday that I’m still HEATED over a similar situation that happened in my career way back in October. And hurt more than anything else. Yesterday’s sermon was just for me (and you)! We’ve been talking about making the proper steps to prepare for your future, and yesterday’s sermon was on how to make the right decisions. It’s not that we make the big decisions in life, its that God speaks to us and guides us on the paths we should take. At the end of this interview trail, you are going to have to listen to God and make a big decision. God speaks to us through our spirit, our conscience. We can’t hear him if our conscience is cluttered. This clutter doesn’t always come from guilt, but being offended and angry about things that have happened to us. In order to move forward, we have to really pray for a clear conscience, pray to remove our hurt feelings from being offended by people. I’m probably paraphrasing horribly but it was a fire word, with plenty of scriptural references. Hold please, lemme find u the link to the webcast.

  16. You have the right to feel angry and let down. Use that to get your revised plan moving forward.

  17. I can totally understand the anger. I’m sure all of us have had something that came out of nowhere and bit us in the behind and we didn’t feel it was deserved/justified and we are still trying to wrap our minds around it. And there always has to be a period of time where we are holding on to that anger and even when we can think of many other things we are blessed with or how it could be even worse and yet we can’t let that thing go b/c it hurt/disappoint us so. I recently had to tell myself, I can stay angry or I can let it go and think about where I want to go from here. There’s no life plan for everyone. Everyone’s journey is unique. Much of it is based on our own decisions/actions, etc. but some of it is totally out of our hands. The biggest thing is don’t compare yourself and your journey to anyone else’s. And if everything were perfect in your life, then what? This post reminds me of all those cliche sayings about people that consistently look in the rearview mirror rather than looking at what’s up ahead.. Stop looking back TIH!

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