Three Strikes

I mentioned that I started a new gig at the beginning of November. So far, so good on the job itself. I’m getting acclimated, getting training and meeting people..all is well.

As a part of my on-boarding here at this particular plantation, there is an orientation about the facilities and whatnot and the usual spiel about safety. Before I went to the orientation meeting, my manager impressed upon me the need to pay particular attention to the parts about driving in the parking garage as my plantation was is rather ANAL about garage safety. I mean they ARE DEAD. ASS. SERIOUS about it to the point where there are “safety ambassadors” skulking about who can give tickets and speed monitors that light up if you exceed the speed limits, stuff like that.

So, I’d been trying very hard to stay within the confines of the law, as any infraction would result in an email from Security to you and your manager and would necessitate the need for a “refresher” talk about the safety policy. So imagine my consternation and dismay to receive an email last week, after being employed all of 3 weeks, stating that I had a garage violation for speeding!!!! And to add insult to injury, it was actually my THIRD violation but because they couldn’t find my name in the database (they were looking under my maiden name and how they are linked in with the state of Texas database is both baffling and scary). I dutifully forwarded the note to my manager so that we could have our talk.

So that unsavory bit of business was done and finished with right?


The next day, I tried to turn into the garage to park and imagine my cracked face when the gate denied me entry!!! Better yet, imagine me with a cracked face and a line of cars behind me trying to park and get into the office…*sigh*. I pushed the call button and the security officer let me in so I wouldn’t keep backing up traffic. I parked, and made a beeline to the security office where I was informed that since this was my third violation I had been banned from the garage and sentenced to park in the surface lot across the street for 30 days…say what now?? Only scofflaws have to park over there and I had joined the ranks of those forced to make that walk of shame. *shamed*

But I was not to be denied my chance for appeal..I couldn’t go out like that ya’ll!!! I pleaded my case to the Security Manager (who was quite easy on my felonious eyes) about how could I be penalized for THREE violations when I didn’t know about the first two?? I smiled, batted my eyes, and had it not been cold that day I would have perhaps shown a little tittay meat in order to not have to walk from that surface lot in the elements. Sweet little baby Jesus was on my side that day because the Security Manager graciously decide to wipe my record clean and let me start fresh!! *praise dances*

So now I’m paranoid and I drive in the garage like an 80 year old lady but I guess that was the intended effect right?? Such is the life of a corporate wage slave, feel free to laugh at my pain.


35 thoughts on “Three Strikes

  1. LOL! I feel your pain. This sounds a lot like my job at “scary big two letter place”. Our ambassadors actually give out tickets for not locking your doors and parking on/over the line.

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  3. BWHAHHAHAHAHA!!!! That is too funny!

  4. ::HOWLS::

    I’m not a fan of ppl speeding in the parking garage but “safety ambassadors?” I’ve heard it all now!

  5. This thing right here brought me out of lurkdom! Absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!! As a proud member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, if I had shown these jokers of mine, I’m pretty sure I would have been banished to the timeout lot for the remainder of my employment. But please believe me when I tell you I will putting “tittay meat” into my vocab post haste! Somebody gon’ learn today! 🙂 Thanks for the laughs.

  6. I sooo needed this laugh…tittay meat???

  7. Wooooow! They are NOT playing. Ha! Did folks have accidents in the past or something? I mean damn how fast can you go in a garage anyway?

  8. I died at “tittay meat”!!! This is absolutely bananas!!! But I’m glad he wiped your slate clean…are you sure you didn’t show a little something??? #ijs

  9. That garage is doing the absolute most. Why oh why must we take ourselves so seriously. Make sure to stay on the right side of the law from now on bc titty meat may not be enough next time!

  10. Cracked face was close, but I lost allllll composure at tittay meat! BWAHAHA!!!!

  11. This is hysterical!! What are the rules & regulations of the parking garage? And if you violate them, you’re “punished” by parking on the surface lot across the street? This is hilarious! Thanks for the corpo-life laughter for today.

  12. (who was quite easy on my felonious eyes)

    I smiled, batted my eyes, and had it not been cold that day I would have perhaps shown a little tittay meat in order to not have to walk from that surface lot in the elements.

    GIRL! I am crying silent tears and trying to hold my laughter in since I don’t want to wake this man, but OMG! Heelarious!

  13. GURL!! You are a straight nut. I’m sorry I was laughing through the entire read. I know with friends like us…..LOL.

  14. PLEASE find out what the hell went down in that garage for them to be so extra with it! This was hilarious!!!

  15. OMG!! I’m over here CTHU! Garage police?? This is straight hilarious!

  16. Well hell, can I borrow your safety ambassadors, because people in my parking garage try to run you over when you’re pulling into a parking spot. Who in the hell is that eager to get to work any way?

  17. Dying laughing. DYING LAUGHING. I mean have they had some deaths in this garage or something???

    You thinking about showing tittay meat tho? That had me all over this floor laughing. C’mon Jesus!

  18. Bwahahahahahahahahaha! I’m laughing so hard at “tittay meat” Whew!

  19. Hilarious! I am curious about what is going on in that lot! Someone must have sued. People here park in 1 hour parking for the workday and no one gets in trouble. They also speed like crazy so I sorta wish we had a Crack Security Team like you do!

  20. Slow your roll, TIH! I do not want you parking in the stepchild lot. They are something serious about that garage parking life, huh? And did you say, “tittay meat”? I will have to add that to the lexicon. Ha!

  21. They were trying to put baby in a corner!!! LOL!! I have the same question as digal704. What in the world happened in that garage???? Please investigate and report back. Thanks in advance.

  22. They do not play about the garage rules. This is funny.



  25. You need to start playing some of that old slow Mahalia Jackson before you enter the garage. I was ready to close the lid on the casket when you said ‘tittay meat’.

  26. LMBO at “tittay meat” I can. not. with you on this day! LOLOLOL

  27. I.can’t.breeve….. Glad you didn’t have to take the walk of shame.

  28. I am in my office crying!!! That is the best thing I’ve read today and I thank you for it!!!

  29. This is quite possibly the FUNNIEST thing I have read all week ( and I read some funny ish!)….LMBAO!!!! So glad the Security wiped your slate clean….that non-garage parking struggle is for the birds, I tell ya.

  30. That’s what you get rolling in there all fast bumping MMG music all loud and ish. Bwaahaaaahaaaaaa

  31. LMAO!!! Folks would have been looking at you walking in from the lot for bad people whispering…”I wonder what SHE did….”.

  32. I am over here silently HOLLERING! That is hysterical!

  33. Exactly what the hell has gone down in that garage to necessitate the Nazi-esque rules?

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