As Commented On Facebook

My response to a question asked in one of my FB groups – “I don’t understand this incessant/insatiable need of so many women to have a man and get married. And I honestly don’t see why it’s so hard to get a man, if you really want one. Is this nature or nurture?” I’m paraphrasing from the original poster, of course.

My blog post of an answer:

All BS aside, I was very angry with God for a long time because I wanted to be married and felt I had done everything “right” and deserved to be married. I went to college, stayed out of trouble, didn’t have a bunch of kids and was reasonably cute so why couldn’t I get married when some of these other yamps I knew got wifed up on the regular. Then I felt a lot of shame because I felt like I was somewhat obsessed with getting married because I was so tired of being single. Don’t get me wrong I definitely enjoyed the hell out of my single life, but having to carry the load alone was getting old. It took some conversations with a counselor and wise counsel from some married friends to help me realize that it was OK to have to the desire to be married and have a family, BUT there a lot worse things then being being in a f*cked up marriage. So I got busy living and doing me and the things I liked to do. Slowly, I got to a place of acceptance about my singleness and that if it was God’s will then I was going to be OK with it. And trust, it took some doing to get to that place. I felt like I finally got there in May 2009. I met my husband in June 2009. We got engaged in December 2009 and married September 2010. I’m not saying that my story will be your story. But it just might. And either way the ball bounces, you have to be right with yourself, and know that your life has purpose and meaning, whether you get married or not. And you have to BELIEVE it.


16 thoughts on “As Commented On Facebook

  1. LOL@ yamps! Well I think the original comment was kinda harsh. First I think wanting to get married and wanting a man are two different things. There are some yamps out there who couldn’t pay their current man to marry them, IJS. Second, we have been conditioned to believe by Hollywood and someone else life and love stores that having a relationship is not something you should have to WORK towards. He should just fall through the roof. So, its hard in that you do have to work…some women go about in better ways than others. Third, there are some men who want and wish for a wife but it’s just shown differently. I think it is natural to want a partner, to be married. However, I applaud folk who are adamant about not wanting to get married and act like they don’t instead of playing games like they do.

  2. I think lots of women are not really single. If you dig, lots of us are holding on to old relationships or ideas of Mr. Right. I met my husband in my late twenties, within a month of accepting that I was going to enjoy beijg single and that I would be as picky with men as I am about shoes. In my effort to enjoy myself, I organized a ski trip with my girl cousins and i met my husband on the slopes.

  3. You have a beautiful testimony & I share it often. I do it to encourage my friends. We should never underestimate the power of positive thinking. Asking for the strength to stand “in the middle of His will” for your life and truly be content. The peace that comes with that position is so comforting. Also, understanding that each & every day that you wake up and turn the corner your life can change in so many unexpected ways. I don’t like this whole idea that people should be ashamed of truly desiring a constant companion, a partner, a helpmate. Isn’t that the way that He designed us ? And truly, if you want biological children, INSIDE of a marriage, having to wait until you are in your late 30’s can make that very challenging, even if you are blessed to find the right person. That is just keeping it real. People who not been single since before 2002 don’t have a clue about this dating life ! LOL

  4. Dating gets harder and more frustrating the older you get. Once you get pass compatibility on family, finances, and faith amongst other things you have to actually like and be attracted to the person. I think one of the most difficult things about dating in the mid to late thirties is that both men and women are feeling the pressure to be married and sometimes try to force chemistry when they find a person that has all of the qualities that they desire in a mate. Sometimes it helps to step away for a minute and work on you. Once I stepped away, worked on me and regained a positive outlook on dating I found the one.

  5. You are definitely on point with your response to her, TIH. We as women need to be content with being single until that time comes for us to partner with a man. It’s definitely a HARD thing to do. I have my moments when I mope about being single at 41 (even shedding tears…being honest), but then I count my blessings. Great friendships, great family, an overrall great life with some kinks that keep me depending on God for my sanity. 🙂 I would like to be linked up with a handsome gent who wants a RELATIONSHIP and not a casual fling. Been there, done that, and I’m what…still single. BUT HAPPY! I know the guy is coming at some point. Until then, I gotta do me and this current life I have. I love hearing your story. Keep telling it, Soror! 🙂

  6. I follow you in my Reader, but I never comment. Today, I felt compelled to thank you for this post. Your first four sentences are EXACTLY what I am feeling and not a lot of people get it. I felt like I got to that place of acceptance last year and got into a horrible relationship that obviously highlighted the fact that I still had some work to do, namely to “get busy living.” But it’s still hard and I just wanted to thank you for sharing.

  7. I , like Nerd Girl, said I would stop commenting on the dating subject. But I lied…I always have something to say sooooo…LOL

    I have a lot of younger friends and I do believe that dating and finding a good man or a man for “you” is difficult. It seems like a lot of folks out here are treating dating like a combat sport….GET BEFORE YOU GET GOT! And I hear this from both men and women. I’m so puzzled by this dating scene that I just SMH sometimes.

    And I find absolutely nothing wrong with a woman stating that she wants to be married and have a family. And I understand the ugency in some women. If they want to have children but inside of marriage, they feel like time is not on their side. I wanted to be married, so I governed myself accordingly. I tried to only date men that I thought I could marry. I was not going to have babies without a husband, so I acted accordingly. I see nothing wrong with deciding what you want your life to be. And all women who want a husband are not desperate.

    What gets to me about women going after women for wanting a husband is how come if a woman had an incessant/insatiable drive to be a CEO, DR., Race CAR DRIVER most women would be cheering and waving flags. Why is that more worthy of her than being a wife?

  8. I am divorced. I have always been shy in situations where I don’t know anyone. I am not really social. I too question, “why don’t I have a date”, ” not remarried”? Especially when I see shows like, “Bridezillas”, “Who the Bleep Did I Marry”, LOL! My ex husband even remarried last year! I know I am stuck on things that have been said to me or done to me in the past. Trust is a HUGE issue with me. I feel like if it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, then I will still go on. I would like to be in love, like, maybe even lust. I guess I just don’t want to put in the work. Whatever happens will just happen. I am okay with that. At least for today.

  9. You already know – I long ago stopped commenting on dating. But “yamps?” I’ve never heard that before and I hollered when I read it. Shall be adding to my vocab immediately!!

  10. This is always a turbulent subject. I do think its hard for some women to get a man. I’m one of those women. Whenever someone tells me just get out there, mingle…I nod because I’m doing what I can. I think a big part of it is the law of have to be in the right place at the right time both physically and mentally. I’m very social and am out and about doing stuff but I know I need to get out of my comfort zone in social situations and mingle outside of my circle. I’m working on that this year.

    As to the FB poster…why shouldn’t people want to be in a committed relationship? What is wrong with that?

    • @Honest: I agree with you. I think people who have been married for a long time (The OP has been married 7 or 8 years from what I recall her saying) don’t realize how difficult dating is these days for both men and women. There are a lot of shady individuals out there.

  11. You’re absolutely right. People say you find love when you stop looking for it. I had gotten out of a bad relationship in October 2005 (I wanted to live a fairy tale, he wanted to get his side piece pregnant) and took some time to figure out who I was, who I wanted, and what I was willing to accept in a relationship. At my 24th birthday party in October 2006, I met my husband. It wasn’t until I built my self esteem back up, focused on making myself a better woman, and did me that love walked up on me.

  12. I think you gave an awesome response! I’m like most people – while I would like to be married, it’s not a priority. The fact that I wouldn’t settle with any old knucklehead is while I’m still single. And I’m ok with that. There are some things that I need to work on for myself before God allows my husband to come into my life. But in the meantime, I’m still going to live my life and work on continuing to be an awesome Elle!

  13. Thank you for posting this. It’s confirmation. 🙂 God doesn’t want us to place anything before Him, so once He knows in my heart that I truly accept His will for my life, He’ll bless me with either a husband or the peace and strength to remain single – and to be joyful about whichever gift I get. 🙂

  14. It’s not hard to get A man if you want one. However getting THE man that you are supposed to be with is a completely different reality. I am still “accepting” the fact that I am not married, despite my desire to be. But I have acknowledged my part in being an obstacle along my course. Settling and staying, have been my enemies. As well as not living life as I should have. Now I’m happy enough in my singleness not to settle for who is not right for me and still remain hopeful that the one who is right for me will come. In the meantime I pray that God will help me prepare and be ready for him.

  15. I think your reply was spot on. The same thing happened with me. As soon as I got truly happy with my life, and stopped worrying about the “when/where/why” of it all, HH popped into the picture. The rest is history! 🙂 Time and Time again I hear this story from other women in our age range. As soon as they got truly happy with self, relationships fell into place. So I don’t think it’s a fluke.

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