What’s Your Opinion?

Two scenarios, what’s your opinion on them:

  • I was talking with a co-worker today who recently had a destination wedding in a pretty popular place. He had almost 90 people attend his wedding and also participate in the wedding activities at their own cost (not including the actual reception). He mentioned that his new wife, was upset that they didn’t get as many gifts from friends and family. He said that she was thinking of addressing the issue with select friends because in her words, “they could have afforded to get a gift.” I mentioned that for some travel/lodging/participating their wedding activities was expensive and perhaps they considered that their gift. I mentioned that I travelled to the Bahamas to see my cousin get married and did not bring a gift and they didn’t request them of the people that chose to attend. I suggested that confronting people about why they didn’t bring a gift may not go over so well and mentioned that often people get gifts after the wedding because registries remained open.  So what is your thought about gift giving for a destination wedding that you attend? Is it a hard and fast requirement??
  • A young lady in one of my FB groups who is a jeans and t-shirt type of chick feels that she shouldn’t have to get all girly to attract a man (i.e wearing make-up/dresses/heels) because that isn’t her style. Yet when other ladies tell her that men are visual, she gets somewhat defensive when suggestions are made to perhaps try a little make up for enhancement or perhaps get a new pair of earrings to dress up her jeans and t-shirt uniform. Suggestions are made for her to look internally to see if she is giving off a “vibe” of not being approachable. So what would you tell a “tomboy” who wanted to meet a nice man? Is it a requirement to remake oneself for the sake of meeting the opposite sex??



25 thoughts on “What’s Your Opinion?

  1. I think you should convince them to confront the people who didn’t give gifts. And then ask her to do a guest post on the responses she gets. It’s all about the blog fodder.

  2. 1. I think a wedding or recent marriage calls for a gift or at a minimum, a card or some type of token. However, you are never obligated to give a gift. When you invite people to a wedding you want them there whether they give a gift or not. It’s understandable that people would not be so gift conscious after shelling out for a destination wedding. If she wanted more gifts, she should have got married at home and invited 200 people. How do you even fix your lips to ask someone about why they didn’t give you a gift? You just got married, be happy and sit down!
    2. Okay is she wearing some premium denim and a nice spandexy t-shirt and a neat hair do or she wearing a faded t-shirt from college and some acid wash jeans she can still fit? LOL She should make an effort to look nice, whatever nice to her is. Make an effort! It sounds like she doesn’t even look nice. She can enhance her style without changing herself.

  3. Whenever I’ve done something with the expectation of getting anything in return, the joke was on me. I learned to not do or give with any expectations and all is right in my world. And my spirit is pretty happy most of the time, too.

  4. Wow, I am either coming to the destination wedding or staying home and buying a gift. Some people!

    As for the tomboy – what everybody else said.

  5. A)First, having 90 people travel to a destination wedding is pretty amazing. You invite people you want there to share in the joy of your day period. Anything you get beyond that is a gift. She is focused on the wrong ish. Secondly, stay out of peoples pockets ! You have no idea of anyone’s true financial situation unless you are their accountant. Perhaps some people are still recovering from the expense of the trip & plan to give a gift later. I JUST mailed a graduation check to someone who graduated 2 months ago. Third, she will fool around and get TOLD coming at the wrong person with some BS like that. I gift is always an option & never a requirement. She’s gonna lose some friends behind some nonsense. As a person who is now planning a destination wedding, I will be greatly appreciative of those who care enough to bear such an expense. Anything we get beyond that is considered an extra blessing. I have been hearing the most crazy wedding nonsense lately ! Chicks inviting folks to the ceremony & not the reception & other such craziness. These Bridezillas are slaying me !
    B)Of course a “total makeover” would be a bait & switch. But no one is really suggesting that. If you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting. Unless she is suffering enough to make a change I guess she won’t. I am sure that there are men who are attracted to Tomboys, but that dating pool is likely limited. So as long as she understands that fact. Let her be. I prescribe to let grown folks be who they want to be & take what comes with that.

  6. A) The bride is tacky and should be grateful that 90 peopled cared to travel. The quickest way to lose friends is to call them out about missing gifts when they’ve paid TRAVELING EXPENSES.

    B) The tomboy can keep on dressing just like she’s dressing. She sounds stubborn and nothing will change her mind. Maybe she’ll meet a (passive/possibly bi) man who doesn’t mind her look and stubbornness. My best friend was the same way and refused to feminize herself during her “praying for a husband” years. Men just weren’t interested in her boyish good looks…but the women were. Long story short, she’s marrying a woman in September.

  7. 1) The wife is being tacky and unreasonable. Destination weddings aren’t cheap and she should feel honored and blessed that 90 people took the time and money to attend her special day.

    2) I saw that FB thread you were referring to and I was chuckling at her indignation that men were acting like, well men. A total makeover should never be a requirement for a relationship, but putting a little more care and thought in your appearance never hurt anyone. She needs to know that she can look cute but still be comfortable. A maxi dress with some fly sandals and some chic shades? That’s a nice, feminine look she can rock at a moment’s notice. I’m all for being true to yourself, but sometimes to get what you want, you have to tweak that definition from time to time.

  8. Uh. That first one. The fact that the husband hadn’t already checked her on that AND the fact that she needed to be checked… that’s unacceptable. Who are you people with feelings of entitlement like that. I. Really. Really. Really. WISH somebody would invite me to another country to watch them get married and I show up and they got something to say because I didn’t ALSO bring a gift. Girl. My ass is my gift and you need to be grateful.

    If you can’t tell, that burns me up.

    Now on the second one… I can feel where homegirl is coming from. I don’t be pressed to get dressed up, but I know there are times and places for it and on rare occasion I do it all on my own just because. However if what she has been doing (as was alluded to in another comment) ain’t working, then she has to try something else. Sometimes when you start talking about dressing differently, folks think you mean a wardrobe overhaul, but often all it takes is a new pair of shoes or some accessories. There are certain realities about our society and there’s nothing wrong with not ascribing to them all but there are consequences, righ tor wrong.

  9. It’s tacky to ask anybody why they didn’t give you a gift…PERIOD! I may still gift a couple if I attend their destination wedding. The gift would just be less extravagant. I can’t imagine a couple actually expecting gifts.

    The tomboy should be who she is. And she should also learn to live with her decisions. If her way of attracting a man is to act and look like she’s not, then she probably won’t.

  10. If I travel to your wedding, I cannot afford to also get you a gift. As much as I would love to, I just wouldn’t be able to.

  11. 1) Ok, the wedding gift complaint just makes me laugh. Gifts are not an obligation, even for a wedding. You should invite the people you want to celebrate with and if they bring a gift, just count it as icing on the cake. There’s no quid pro quo in gifting and if that’s what you’re after when you send out invitations, you’re doing it wrong. Now for me, I generally decline destination weddings. It’s a personal thing (i.e. don’t offer to host me then make me cover the costs) but if I do spend hundreds to thousands of dollars on attending your wedding, I feel NO obligation to also buy a gift. The end.

    2) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing you’ve been doing but expecting a different result. I don’t think tomboys are unable to meet nice men but if her attitude is “take me as I am” I can see how that could come across and unapproachable or even impossible to please. My advice for anyone who’s dating –> Have whatever requirements, behavior, rules, etc. you want. Know the implications of your choices on the availability, selection, and long-term potential of your dating.

  12. Yeah she should ask her guests why she didn’t get a gift and she how quick she gets a backhand or gets blacklisted.

    B) hmm maybe she should get a man’s opinion especially the type of guy she’s usually into.

  13. Hmmm, I would never confront people about a gift! Tres tacky and classless! I had a destination wedding and not a soul attended and I understood and still didn’t demand, let alone expect a gift! My husband and I both had our own homes and since we an overabundance of so much once we settled in our home, I didn’t even register! I got a lot of side eyes, but c’mon, we didn’t need anything and were just happy to be together. My girlfriends threw me a Lingerie Shower and my co-workers gave me nice giftcards. I can recall a few people saying they were going to get us a gift, but never got it and there is no love lost!

    I get that you are comfortable in your own skin, but to get different results, sometimes requires doing things differently. I’m not the girliest girls, but I love getting gussied up as my Grandmother would say!

  14. It’s tacky to ask people for gifts. If they made the effort to attend your wedding, in ANOTHER COUNTRY, obviously they care. Their presence is your gift. How does she know “what they can afford?” Shoot, I pushed a human being into existence and didn’t expect any gifts.

    It’s true, men are visual creatures. If you’re not making any effort, you’re not going to attract one. Lip gloss and some mascara won’t kill you. You can have an awesome personality, but you have to play that up.

  15. OK, it’s tacky to call people and ask them why they didn’t give you a gift. TACKY. And I hope the first person she calls cusses her slap the hell out.

    As for the tomboy girl, it’s fine if she doesn’t want to change, but she needs to then acknowledge that doing the same thing and expecting different results is crazy, ie SHE is crazy. Stay casual and single OR put you some some lip rouge on (as my grandma would say) and see what might come calling. Her choice.

  16. What everybody else said!

    Your co-worker’s wife is rude and tacky as hell! She gon run up on the wrong one with that foolishness and get smooVe cussed out! IJS

  17. 1) Your co-worker picked a doosie!!! And unfortunately for him, she will soon share those same thoughts and feelings with him come birthday/anniversary/valentines/just because gifts. If she already hasn’t. Glad she’s not my friend! I wish a beyotch would approach me with some mess like that!

    2) She needs to stay within the boundaries that make her comfortable, however realizing that those boundaries are limited and will therefore vet her limited pickings. If she’s willing to make a self-evaluation and see what she’s putting out there, then she can make some changes that she feels comfortable with, remaining true to herself….The real deal??? Baby ain’t no Denzel/Idris/Shemar/Boris (whatever your flavor) checkin for Da Bratt! Hell even Flava Flav have the nerve to want his women in lipstick and high heels! :-/ IJS

  18. 1. “He said that she was thinking of addressing the issue with select friends because in her words, “they could have afforded to get a gift.”

    Say what?! They also could have stayed at home. Just rude and ungrateful. If gifts were the focus, perhaps they should have skipped the destination wedding and chosen somewhere closer so they could have received three crockpots and countless sets of towels. o_O

    2. She shouldn’t have to do a complete 180 but damn a lil lip gloss and mascara ain’t never hurt nobody.

  19. 1) The wife is tacky as hell. If someone travels for an event – especially when airfare is involved, I think it’s a reasonable assumption that their appearance is your gift. She needs to keep her mouth shut before she’s put in a different category in people’s minds….although if she thinks like this, it’s probably revealed itself in other ways so she may already be there.

    2) I don’t believe a person should change who they are just to “catch” someone of the opposite sex. Changing how you dress and all of that when you know it won’t be anything you can or would be willing to maintain is in essence fake and a facade. Maybe there’s more than just her jeans and tee attire. But if she’s wearing jeans and h.anes white tees…she may want to step it up a bit. It’s ok to be a jeans type of girl, but you still need to be comfortably cute (as I like to call it).

  20. 1: Your coworker’s wife is tacky. Did she invite all those people just because she wanted gifts? Or did she want them at the wedding? Seems like gifts were a part of her basic equation.

    2. If she is doing the same thing and not attracting the people she wants to attract, then it’s her fault. She wouldn’t say she wanted to be a doctor but refuse to go to medical school. Maybe she needs to wait for a dude who likes jeans and tees. I wear jeans and tees all the time and I have no problems meeting me. But I think I might dress it up a bit with accessories and lip gloss.

  21. A) Your co-worker and his wife should let it go. Appreciate the people who showed up for the wedding, appreciate whatever gifts they did get and keep it moving. Whether or not “they could afford it” is a moot point.

    B) She shouldn’t remake herself to attract anybody. She’d either have to keep the front up and be miserable or drop the front and deal with a dude who felt like he’d been duped. But I do agree with stepping her jeans and tshirt look up a notch. Accessories and a swipe of lipgloss can do wonders – she can find styles and shades that she’s comfortable with. #teamjeansandatshirt

    • A) I think it’s a bit tacky to confront folks about gifts. It makes her seem petty and materialistic. Frankly, the fact that those folks spent their hard earned money to be there, means they love and care about the cour and wanted to show support. That’s enough. Shoot, HH and I have enough junk in our house…we don’t need any more ish! LOL

      B) I agree that making a drastic change to something she’s not comfy with will ultimately make her unhappy. But, up creeps that whole definition of insanity. If you’re still not attracting what you want, perhaps it is time for some reasonable tweaking. Nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward while remaining true to yourself. A dude can’t see your awesome heart and personality from across the room. IJS.

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