A Rant Too Long For Twitter: Round 2

The topic of conversation in one of my FB groups yesterday was this: should a co-worker or other non-related woman purchase clothing as a gift (in this case it was a Secret Santa type scenario) for a married or involved man? The majority of the commenters on the thread said no, but a couple of folks had no problem with it, and questioned why the wife or significant other would be so insecure as to have an issue with such a gift. I’ll come back to that in a minute.

I then posed the same question on Twitter with the same parameters, and pretty much got the same consensus of noes. That leads me to hypothesize that for most, that’s just a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed.

Now back to the notion of insecurity of the part of the SO/wife. I call bullshit on that. Like I said in my response on FB:

It’s not about thinking that some woman wants your mate (although sometimes they do), it’s about the parameters of that relationship. I know my husband and if some woman up and gave him a dress shirt as a gift he would be uncomfortable by that gesture and then he has to explain to me why some chick decided to give him a dress shirt. I would be OK with his explanation, but that chick would definitely get a side eye. I guess I cannot why folks outside of a 2 people’s relationship feel like you get to question the agreements/boundaries set up in the said relationship. There are only 2 folks in it, it ain’t about you (speaking generally here.)

Let me give another example. I am transitioning to a new manager. His name is Micheal. When I asked if I could call him Mike, he said he preferred that I stick with calling him by his full name. I said OK. See, I ain’t got to understand the reasoning behind that. I address the man, how he wants to be addressed. Period.

I don’t have to understand the reasoning behind how a parent raises their kids. I might think it strange, but that parent doesn’t owe me an explanation.

I don’t have to understand the reasoning behind why that person made that decision. I might not agree with it, or think it’s rather stupid but that person doesn’t owe me an explanation.

If I don’t care to have to have some woman buying Myron as dress shirt (or any other type of personal item)  as a gift in a Secret Santa exchange (which I found silly anyway), I don’t have explain shit to anyone except the man I’m married to.

And it’s not about any insecurities. Everything isn’t for everyone and in this case, it definitely isn’t about you.



23 thoughts on “A Rant Too Long For Twitter: Round 2

  1. **slow clap at all the sensible ladies on the post**

  2. iTunes gift cards ensure no one gets cut.

  3. I agree that its not about the wife or significant other being insecure a boundary is being crossed as you said.

    My husband was given pajama bottoms and shower gel. He didn’t think anything was wrong but I thought otherwise. My mother in law as well as his grandmother agree with my thinking that it was highly inappropriate. I politely hid the pajama bottoms (to throw out later) and threw out the shower gel.

  4. This reminds me of a funny work place story:

    One of my co-workers ( White male, 50 ish) decided to grow full facial hair. He told us that his live-in girlfriend doesn’t like it and wants him to cut it off. He asked the women at work what they thought. Most of the Black women said it looks nice and that it gave him a different look. Most of the White women were kinda blah or just didn’t like it. Me and my big mouth blurted out “I like full facial hair on a man, I think it’s sexy”. At the time I was married to a man who has a thick beard and mustache. As soon as I said that his eyes LIT up! LOL

    Y’all know that fool went home and told his woman that some Black woman at work thinks that he is SEXY!! OMG I’m lucky that woman didn’t come to the job and clean my clock.. LMAO
    The beard and mustache was gone within 2 days. We laughed behind his back for 2 weeks.

  5. “If I don’t care to have to have some woman buying Myron as dress shirt (or any other type of personal item) as a gift in a Secret Santa exchange (which I found silly anyway), I don’t have explain shit to anyone except the man I’m married to.”

    BAMMMM! beginning, middle, the END!

  6. I would not be bothered by such a gift from a woman to my husband. I might question how she knew his neck size if the shirt fit, but shirts, ties, and socks are gifts I buy when I do not know what the person likes. I may not know their preference in music or their hobby but I know they wear clothes.

    My husband said he would ask a man who bought me clothes why he thought he knew me well enough to know my size or what I might type of clothes I like.
    He would not like such a gift.
    I think the difference in out thoughts is because when he gives a gift of clothing its thoughtful and when I give a gift of clothing its usually an afterthought. We attribute our intentions to others

    I think people who do not want to know why, aren’t paying attention.

    • My phone posted without my permission!!

      Knowing how hubz feels, I would not want a woman giving him a shirt because it would have a different meaning to him. I would not accept a gift of clothing from a man because my husband wouldn’t like it.

      If I was doing a co-ed secret santa I’d tell folks, no clothing. I had no idea this could cause problems, but now that I know I will govern myself accordingly.

  7. As a single woman, I would side eye any of my friends or associates who gave a married man such a personal gift as clothing. A coffee mug, a book, a Amazon.com gift card – something impersonal that the wife, if she so choose, could use too are gifts I give and recommend be given. I avoid giving gifts to married men that even suggest anything more than friend or associate. I support marriages and frankly, I do not wish to be involved in any misunderstandings like that anyway. My friends who are married will tell you their husbands, when I give them gifts for b-day etc. usually get gift cards.

    What folks do in relationships with each other, the different compromises and rules that they have agreed upon is their business. I won’t stand back and watch someone get beat down (calling 911!), but I don’t involve myself in the agreements that couples come up with, I let those grown folks handle their business.

  8. I’d definitely be on some, “Harpo, who dis woman?” tip if my husband brought home a shirt that someone bought for him. It’d be different if it were something that they had in common, like if they were fans of the same team or something like that. But if she’s trying to step up his Brooks Brothers game? No.

    I say all that, but your point still stands. What works for y’all only has to work for y’all. Really doesn’t matter what anyone else on the outside thinks of it.

  9. Clothing is a personal gift, so nah, I’m good on dressing my husband. You don’t need to do it. I might be okay with a lady thinking it’s okay to give him a tshirt…but he’d never put it on.

    As for the other issue, I say all the time: “You ain’t gotta understand it, you just gotta do it.”

    • “I might be okay with a lady thinking it’s okay to give him a tshirt…but he’d never put it on.” – pserendipity

      Bwah, ha, haaaa! I don’t know why that statement tickled me so much. Anyway…

      Ya know, I misunderstood this post at first. I was thinking of a “White Elephant Gift Exchange” where the buyer doesn’t know who will get his/her gift. From that I’m thinking why would anyone be upset about the gift their S/O ended up with? But alas, reading is indeed fundamental! LOL! Secret Santa…where you choose names and the gift-receiver doesn’t know who gave the gift but the giver does know for whom he’s/she’s buying the gift, right? Yeaaaaah… Your scenario wouldn’t e’en much work for me.

      And I also agree that all this “curiosity killed the cat” questioning of ‘why’ when someone makes a request is ridiculous, if not rude. Okay… I don’t mind giving an answer when I can tell the person genuinely wants to understand where I’m coming from. Sometimes this mutual understanding of said request ensures I don’t have to make this request to you (general ‘you’) again. But that’s rarely the case. Usually, you get the “why’s” from the mofos who always question authority and the tone seems much more like, “WHY THE PHUQ I GOTTA DO WHAT YOU ASK ME, BISH?!” *screwface*

      My responses always end up being longer than I thought… SORRY!

  10. I can’t even see anyone giving my husband an article of clothing as a gift. So I don’t know if it would make me uncomfortable or not. Probably not.

    And I now feel bad about a JSU tshirt I gave one of my coworkers a few years back. My bad. I certainly didn’t do it with an ulterior motive of any sort.

    As far as people wanting (needing?) an explanation, I think that’s just part of human nature. Or maybe just my nature. I don’t really, truly care why ____ but I’d probably ask. If one doesn’t care to share, no skin off my nose. I blame it on social media.

  11. I am in FULL agreement with you here!!! (As I tweeted yesterday). But here’s the funny thing, I gave one of my brokers a shirt for his birthday, another a shirt for Christmas and another a jersey (ok not a shirt, but an article of clothing) for Christmas. I didn’t think anything of it because 2 of them are old enough to be my father and the other, well an older uncle. I didn’t even think about it in terms of the context of your question yesterday, because in my mind there is NO WAY IN HOT HELL that there could be anything going on! However, I’m glad you brought this up because, although I’m pretty certain their wives didn’t take it that way, I will not do that again! (Ironically, I bought the one younger than me some Tequila).

  12. Yeah we were on the same page on this one on the Twitter TIH. And I’m with you on the explanation thing – too many ppl feel like they need to know WHY you make a request & they have to AGREE with what you say in order for them to comply. #hellnaw. I hate that! If I ask you to call me by a certain name or not do something, then you don’t need to know why, just do it! Why is that so hard for some folks?

  13. AND shouldn’t no secret santa, coworker or whatever be giving my man no damn clothes, shit. Better stick to CDs and iTunes giftcards before you get poked in the eye bish. LOL!

  14. I once received a shirt from a male colleague as a Xmas present. At the time, a female friend said, “He must like you. Clothes are an intimate gift.” I’d never heard anything like that before, nor had I ever given it any thought. If you don’t know a gift is a come on, is it really? And couldn’t the gift giver just be clueless to these rules (as I was)?

    Btw, it turns out my girlfriend was right, but I didn’t know until the guy confirmed it a year later, right before he left for another job.

  15. Those are some pretty extreme Secret Santa situations. All the ones I have done we have give token gifts. There is always a list that a person has written that spells out what they want. Usually a dollar limit is attached to it. I hate buying clothes for my adult and teenage children. No way in heck am I going to buy it for somebody else. When in doubt I give gift cards.

  16. Clothing to me is a personal gift and should be given if I have a personal relationship with someone.

    But, as I was watching BBW-LA reunion (don’t judge me!), Draya (the girl persecuted most of the season) said to Jackie (the dramatic lying girl), that she didnt owe her any explanation about anything she does. This led to thunderous applause. I don’t know when we became a society that has to justify everything.

  17. Sometimes I wish people would realize you don’t do some things simply because they CAN be taken the wrong way or have the appearance of evil. It’s not even about the true intent. It’s about how it looks. Just avoid it and everything is good. We’ve done the secret Santa thing before and I was very careful about what I purchased. It’s the professional thing to do.

  18. Agreed.
    Honestly, clothing is a very personal & subjective item in general. Usually people have very specific taste in clothes. Even if the man was single, I wouldn’t do that. I don’t even buy clothes for my friends. Women are very particular about how things hang & fit. I stick to accessories like a scarf, belt, gloves, etc. I usually only buy clothing for young children because after they get to be teenagers the stuff you buy will be hanging in the closet with tags on it. LOL ! When I think on it, usually the only person that I buy clothing for is a significant romantic partner because you are close enough to know what they need & like, or what you have a desire to see them in.

  19. Self-righteous people that think everyone owes them an explanation can kick rocks. Personal decisions are just that personal. My father always said it isn’t about mistrust or insecurity some things are just a matter of keeping down confusion.

  20. People only call you insecure (or selfish) when you aren’t doing what they think you should (or want you to) to do. Skip all that foolywag. When did it become OK to dictate how a couple should react to outside forces?

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