Shutting The Eff Up

While perusing my Google Reader this morning, I came across this spirited post by Mocha Peach. And I have to say I agree with her to some extent, because when I was single, the last thing I wanted to hear from a married woman were some of the things she lists in her blog post. Public offender number #1 was this one:

You know something, I think I may have to just cut my married friends off for a while. I know they THINK they mean well. But in reality, you are doing more harm than good. So, in the meantime, if you want to converse with  us, and we want to vent on our relationships or dating, please refrain from using the following phrases:
“Oh Lord..see..this is why I am glad I am not single anymore! All that foolishness you are going through” (So you lightweight gloating in the fact that you are single aint helping either, b*tch)
And while I’m not going to be anyone’s bitch, I was a long time singleton and thus feel her pain. She goes on to list other things that married folks say to singles that may be misconstrued as insensitive. I have been extremely reluctant to voice my opinions on the state of singledom for my friends (and on this blog too cause I had a lil drama when I did), for one because I haven’t been married very long  and I’m not the marriage whisperer and two, because I don’t want to be on the receiving end  of someone snapping my head off because some dude has pissed them off on that particular day.
Yet, I have  a few friends who ask my opinions about a guy they may be dating. So what’s a married chick to do????
I try to do the best I can, remind them that every dating situation is different, and I’m not an expert on marriage just because I was blessed to get married. What works in my relationship, may not work for them in theirs. I try to use examples from my own dating life that worked and some that didn’t. In short, I try to be authentic without being trite and condescending. I hope that it’s working.
And then, I shut the eff up.

22 thoughts on “Shutting The Eff Up

  1. And as a married woman I don’t give ANY advice to single women. If they talk about their men I just listen. I have NO OPINION at all unless I am specifically asked. I just talk about it with my husband and say a thank you prayer to God. By the same token, I also say a prayer to God about getting me through parenthood or some argument with my husband. At this point, I don’t give advice unless it’s asked for, begged for even.

    Now, if I want to say WHATEVER on my blog, I will.

  2. I read her post and it seems like, basically, she doesn’t want a married person to say anything to her. This one is the one that really got me because I’m sure her married friends MEAN this. There is REAL TRUTH to this statement:

    “Just enjoy this before you get tied down with kids.

  3. I consider your blog to be an uplifting spot. You have a natural positivity that comes across through your words.

    I think your decision to shut the eff up is because your heart wants you to use your words to bring life.

    Some folks don’t care if their words kill folks, kill folks spirits of hope, kill relationships, etc. You care.

    Hopefully Mocha will quit venting to folks. She is killing her own stuff.

  4. Say what the heck you want on YOUR BLOG.. I’m no expert but like arseholes we all have opinions.. we can say whatever we want and even being 100% PC folks will get offended. Look I was single & a single mom forever and a day.. I’m a newlywed with a infant on the way.. folks ask me stuff.. and I give them my perspective from what I know.. I get the well everybody ain’t superwoman like you.. Really??? come on B.. then don’t ask me nothing.. I gave you MY OPINION.. because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear now I’m hating or making you uncomfy.. like Erica B said that’s insecurity on their part..

  5. I agree with Jubilance. This is your ish. You’re allowed to say what you want. If it’s how you feel, then that’s the deal. Period.

    I can’t say I feel any kind of way when married folks give advice. Usually if it’s given, it’s from a friend, and I know they wouldn’t tell me anything that they feel isn’t for my own good, no matter how it’s being delivered.

    I’ve always felt that if one does gets offended, it’s based on how that person is feeling at the time; if they’re feeling some kind of way about being single, if they are fed up with dating, etc. Because of this, more is read into the statement than what was intended. But hey, I can be wrong.

  6. I’ve never understood for the life of me if I say I don’t like or wouldn’t do something, somebody else takes that as a personal assault?!?!?!?!?! IMO, that doesn’t read as insensitivity on my part. It shows insecurity on their part.

  7. Those words are a little annoying and rude. i would not want my friends to say that to me if I was single. If we are friends, we should accept each other for where are are in life.

  8. I guess I’m blessed in that my married friends don’t get on my nerves as far as talking about the single life. I’ve had some married acquaintances sort of give me the “you poor thing you must want to get married so bad so you best hop on the next guy that walks by” kinda thing.
    But I will say its hard for me to make new friends with married women. Like if you were already married (and especially if you have kids) when we met it seems harder for us to gel than it is for me and another singleton. *shrugs* not bad or good just something I’ve noticed about myself in the past few kids.

  9. Interesting conversation. I didn’t read Mocha Peach. But I can’t say that I’ve ever had my nerves grated by “married ladies advice”. My most hated comment is “You have to get out more”. Yeah, whatever. I love talking to married folks. My favorite couple in church gives me hope. I think you and Myron are going to be them in about 35 years. The comedy they put out is hilarious. I find myself constantly observing, not so much asking for advice. So if some is offered, it’s usually unsolicited, so I listen and keep what’s for me and the rest gets trashed. No harm no foul. There is one lady at church who is on a mission to get me married. Her and her husband both. LOL. I don’t care. With them being more involved in church, they have a better knowledge of who the single men are anyway. Hey utlizing my resources. LOL .

  10. When my co-workers tell me about their crazy husbands, I always joke about how THEY are crazy for trying to get me legally bound to a man – but it’s all in fun because they know that if Mr. Right comes a’knocking I would be right there at the alter.

    What I do hate is my co-workers telling me they hope I never get married because I wouldn’t have any more stories for them.

    Heifers! This is My Life, not entertainment for your boring married broads*.

    *Not all married women are boring broads (or heifers, for that matter) but some of the ones on the first floor of this building are!


  11. I never took that particular comment to heart. The one that used to make me boil when I was all.the.way.single was when my mid-30s married friends (I was mid-30s at the time, too) would talk about how OLLLLLLLLLLLDDD they were trying to have kids. Bish, shut up. At least you can go home and screw your husband and have the possibility of procreating. If a baby ends up in my womb, it’s Jesus!

  12. I think she should be more selective (and it sounds like that’s where she’s headed) about who she vents to and seeks advice from.

    I find that there are some people who just don’t give good advice. Not that it’s not well-intentioned but I just don’t see things they way they do. So, I don’t ask their opinion about my life.

    That said, I do know folks that can date a dude for two months straight and become relationship gurus.

    Or those that advise everyone to kick a guy to the curb for every. single. little. thing. Meanwhile, they’re rushing home to BooBoo The Fool. Um, no.

    I’ve learned that I take people for what/where/who they are. Keep what’s valuable and throw the rest away. And when I’m talking to single friends, I listen and offer my (succinct) opinion when they ask for it. Sam as I always did.

  13. My Mom has told me repeatedly that being a friend means that sometimes you have to STFU and just listen. HA!

  14. Bwahahahaaaa @ Marriage whisperer!

    Second, I also don’t like to hear miserable married people telling me how good I have it. Just cus they made questionable decisions who who they married doesn’t mean all marriages are like that.

  15. 1. This is YOUR BLOG. Say whatever you wanna say. Ppl don’t like it? They can stop reading it. Don’t let negative comments or the potential for other ppl to be upset about what you say censor you.

    2. On one hand I can understand where Mocha Peach is coming from. But I also think she’s putting 20 on 10. Granted stuff like “I’m so glad I’m not single, if I had to be out here single IDK what I would do, blah blah blah” comments aren’t helpful – but so what? I’m not upset when my married friends say that kinda stuff to me, it goes in one ear & out the other. Maybe she just needs tougher skin.

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