One of the things that we learned in marriage counseling is the need to create boundaries with family and friends. (I do need to go back and re-visit the marriage counseling that we ended up doing, but that’s for another post.) I ran smack dab into that this past week and it was kinda weird, but very necessary.
My mom called me and asked did I have some money to loan to a family member. I said that I did have it but I would need to check with Myron first. Me and my mom are very much alike in that we can get a little panicky and I guess she was on her panicky trip that day because she then snapped: “Well, why do you have to ask him??”
*cue the record scratching*
Huh what??
Mind you, my parents have been married 40 years so I didn’t know WHY she was cutting up.
I took a deep breath and replied: “Mama, I have to check with Myron because he’s my husband. We’ve been married over a month now. Did you forget?”
Sanity must have returned to her after I said that because she apologized. LOL!!! I was in a meeting so I went back in, then my daddy called too. I told him what happened and he just laughed and said she was spazzing out because she knows good and well she would have had to consult with him about loaning someone else some money.
I thought it was going to be hard for me to leave and cleave (and it has been adjustment for me) but apparently it’s hard for the parentals to cut the apron strings as well!
Anybody had to get family straight after getting married?? This was totally awkward! 
No longer unemployed, no longer a bride... 
Yeah, when my mom came to visit after we got married, she was all worried about whether she’d be welcome now that I’m married. Now that’s just silliness right? In her defense, when she asked, I did tell her that I wanted to check with The Mister just to make sure he didn’t have something planned that I didn’t know about…but did she think that we wouldn’t see each other anymore?!!
Good for you. Money is a big major deal in relationships, gotta make sure you’re on the same page, for reals!
I have to agree with Erica B….wait until you have kids.
I had experiences with both my in-laws as well as my family. You have heard me say it before and I will say it a million times without changing my story: after saying “I do”, your true family is the one UNDER YOUR ROOF. You have to live with your husband and each and every decision about finances should be joint.
In-laws, out-laws, parents, siblings, all if them. Your marriage will be wrecked and they’ll be moving on with theirs. I’m sure you already know that you did the right thing. Keep doing it and don’t be afraid to say “no”. Also, if Myron says “yes”, keep in mind that the day will come when he comes to you on behalf of one of his family members and if you say “no”, it may conflict.
Some may disagree but “no” all around usually keeps the best peace.
Chile, yes! Wait until kids come along. You ain’t seen nothin yet.
My in-laws always came to me first when they needed something.
That because they knew that the EX would never say yes without asking me. So they always tried to soften me up first. LOL
But they were never abusive about it.
When my sister was alive there was always some drama, financial or otherwise. My Ex used to say “just give it to her, whatever it is. It’s just easier that way”.
Haven’t had to yet, but I’m not looking forward to the holidays. My mom’s already said “And what about Thanksgiving?” in the kind of tone that meant “Y’all better not miss it her.” This is gonna be interesting.
Lol. I can’t wait to be able to blame not giving money to someone on the hubs! You did the right thing!
Love the way you handled it. My sister called and asked to borrow some $. When I told her I had to talk to the hubs she said nevermind. That was funny to me because he’ll give before I will.
On his side, the main issue is the kids. Not the necessities but some of the extra. Things that I think kids should work for, he might give it to them. It hadn’t caused a problem though.
It’s been more of an adjustment for my husband than for me. His mom is 87 and his dad is 84, so they are not in the best of health and they are very good at making him and his five brothers feel guilty. But, luckily me and my sister-in-laws are able to step in and come up with mutually agreeable solutions 🙂
Yep, I remember it well. My parents were easy, but my MIL was a tough one. She refused to respect our boundaries and it took a couple of firm talks with MrTDJ to get him to maintain a united front.
Yeah…us deciding to get a new car has my Dad’s and my brother’s feathers ruffled. Um, guys, thanks for those years of advice, but my husband said he’s got this. I can see where this might get a little tricky…
I think you handled this beautifully! Not standing up t family and setting boundaries was one of the worst problems in my first marriage. Good for you!
LOL @ your dadzilla being the voice of reason after his lil tantrum!
Well, my situation is different in that my mom always snuck and spent money behind my dad’s back…and she advised me to KEEP EVERYTHING IN THE OPEN WITH MY HUSBAND. I have done that so we haven’t had any problems from the parentals. LOL. I’m a very selfish person by nature, so no one in my family really expects me to go out on a limb for anyone anyway. ha ha
It’s better to nip it in the bud early. Otherwise, down the road when you decide to put your foot down, you will be accused of flippin’ the script.
I was just about to say it sounds like your mom is going through an adjustment period as well.