Well, well, well..my little corner of the blogosphere was all abuzz with good comments and spin off posts in response to the link I posted from Ms. Savvy all the way in the District of Columbia.
Ms. Smart of ThinkPrettySmart expanded her comment into a post of its own, which led to a lively comment thread. I wanted to respond to a comment left by my soror, blogger, and twitter friend SoJo Verdad.
(Sidebar: Shout out to all the Deltas getting their blog and comment on: Pserendipity, Ms. Smart and Ms. Savvy!)
But I digress. Sojo’s comment read in part:
As for you married and soon-to-be married ladies, it can also be a little irritating (just keeping it real) when y’all go on dating blogs and end your comments with “and I’ve been married for 15 years” or “and I’m getting married tomorrow”.
You might as well close with “and that’s why you boarderline barren broads (shout out to Ames lol) are all still single O_o” . It may not be your intent, but that’s how it can be misconstrued. Although, summa y’all don’t mince words and that’s EXACTLY what you mean. LOL!
And I know exactly where she is coming from, because I know that feeling. When I was single, I too would be irritated at the marrieds, flashing their married credentials and all. LOL!!! And it took me some self processing to realize that it was really about me and where I was in my singleness and how I didn’t really WANT to be single anymore but there I was. And it took me kind of getting out of my own way to really listen to what some of the married folks were really saying, because they were coming from a good place and they cared about me.
(Sidebar: I say SOME married folks because we all know the marrieds who we should be listening to about as much as we should be listening to Miss Cleo on the Psychic Friends Hotline. Call me now!!)
And much like I said in the comment section of Pserendipity’s blog last night:
If I can save any woman from making some of the mistakes that I made during my approximately 36 years or so of being single and out there in the dating game, I would love to. The game is rough for sisters. And in no place did I ever advocate a woman accepting piss poor treatment from a dude.
I always vowed to myself that if I ever got married, I wouldn’t turn into a smug married person with a know it all attitude. And if you KNOW me or even if you just “know” me and my commenting style, you know that’s not how I roll.
But what I do want is this: that everyone who desires a strong committed relationship or marriage can find one. And because someone spoke that hope into my life or prayed for me when I just didn’t have it in me anymore, I hope that I can do that for someone else. In this case, it was via some comments on a blog.
I think we all can learn from each other on this one.
Just be happy hell.
Just be happy.
A lot of single people (men AND women) don’t know how to do that so that’s why they take every little damn thing someone says about something they don’t have as a negative. Ain’t nobody stuttin’ folks that hard until the hit dogs holler.
But what I do want is this: that everyone who desires a strong committed relationship or marriage can find one.
And with that I have to disagree. Sadly, the cold hard truth is that everyone will NOT find a mate. That is just the little lie we tell ourselves for why we are still single. “I could be married if I wanted to” or “He’s out there somewhere” or other expertly spun lies.
Every woman will NOT get married. Even the ones that are willing to lower their standards will still find themselves alone at the end of a cold, lonely life. The numbers just don’t allow for a man for every woman. Or some women wait too long to lower their standards and all the good 0nes are taken. Or some women aren’t marketing themselves well enough to attract a man. Any man.
Whatever the reason, their are plently of them. I know too many single women over 30, 40 and 50. And I am willing to bet that half of them will still be single a decade from now.
Yeah, I know. Pessimistic much? Nope, just keeping it real.
Fair enough, Babsie..fair enough. I wouldn’t expect anything else from you but the realness either. 🙂
It’s good to know that you have no aspirations of being “that married woman”! I, as a divorced woman, try to remember that engaged or married woman are just happy with their relationships. I don’t want to be caustic or a “hater”. However, glad to know that we are both aware of those types of people! I hope to one day find love and happiness, but at this moment my heart just ain’t in it! Congratulations to you and others who have found their partners and may your love last forever!
1. There’s a difference between speaking ‘hope’ and speaking, ‘saddown you’re wrong and I know why because I’s married now’.
2. Tone has a lot to do with it.
3. I recall hearing more married tell single women what they are doing wrong instead of what they are doing right.
4. In this particular situation, I think it really boiled down to ‘knowing’ you and Pserendipity.
I really wanted to join in the discussions but my job won’t let me be great.
I’m new to the married game. Shoot, I’m new to the long-term relationship game. So when I read some of the comments by the marrieds, the 39 years of being single me cringed. Some comments were downright harsh! No self-reflection from the singles will occur when sound advice is accompanied by a ‘that’s why you’re single’ tone. It’s kind of like when a guy would say “that’s why we date White women!” He may have been giving some good advice but when that hit my ears, all else was disregarded.
I too would love to see some of my single sisters relax some of the less important demands and focus on the character of a man. But I also know that sometimes we need to get sick and tired of being sick and tired before change happens.
All in all I want us to learn from one another. And let our teachings be with love. Let’s remember how we felt when we were single and thought to be on the old maid path.
woo, woo, woo