Jesus Is Not Your Husband

Natasha over at Natasha The Newlywed put up a great post about single black women and the church. The CNN article that she references in her post has been making the rounds for a while now but I felt compelled to comment at her spot and ended up with a blog worthy comment.

Here is what I said:

I could go on and on about this topic but I won’t. Suffice it to say that when I was active with my church’s singles ministry (which wasn’t so long ago) the ratio of women to men was 80/20, sometimes 90/10. It was disheartening to say the least. Not for the hookup ratio, but simply to have balance in the discussion. I used to moderate the singles forums we used to have and nearly all the women used to quote the same chapter and verse of he who finds a wife finds a good thing, which is true. But like I LOVE to say, Jesus is not going to deliver a man to your front door like FedEx. Not surprisingly, many of the single women were not active in other aspects of their lives when it came to being available to meet men, but stayed up in church 24/7/365. I left the singles ministry in early 2009, not because of the participants but because of the church staff, who were extremely reluctant to let us do innovative programming to attact single people to the ministry. And this was a progressive mega-church with tons of single people attending. Black women need to realize that Jesus is our Savior but he is NOT a husband.

I said I wasn’t going to go on about this but I did. Sorry for blogging in the comments. I need to take this to my own joint.

And so I did. I am a Christian and have no problems saying so. However I am also an advocate of women taking control of their destinies and living their lives, regardless of their marital status. In that respect, I think some women can let church activities (or any ONE activity) dominate their lives to their detriment. There is something to be said for balance and moderation. My faith is a very important of my life and is the guideline to how I try to live my life and I don’t want to come across as if I am knocking having a faith tradition in your life.

But I don’t  want anyone to live life on the sidelines, waiting.

I tried it that way. It’s no fun at all.


15 thoughts on “Jesus Is Not Your Husband

  1. I love the discussion going on here in the comments! And I find myself cosigning with a lot of what Cbean says!

  2. You were able to sum this up perfectly! A message to single Christian women everywhere.

  3. Great post. This is a sticky subject and I appreciate everyone’s opinions and experiences. If I can add mine.

    My Old Dude and I didn’t bond over being Christians – we both are in fact Christian and it’s just one, albeit important one, facet of our lives. We bonded over our similar senses of humor and love of good food and beer. I think that when some women go into a potential relationship wearing the CHRISTIAN label as the only way to describe themselves, it’s a bit off putting. Instead of becoming a way for someone to get to know you and bond with you, it becomes a wall that men are expected to jump over or knock down to get to you.

    Just my two cents.

    • Karen, I agree with. I don’t go in wearing a badge or anything. But you would be surprised how quickly the topic of “chex” comes up. So I am honest up front and tell them they aren’t getting any and they roll out and like I said before I am cool with that. And I think it’s only fair. Why waste everyone’s time getting to know each other when you have this huge deal breaker in your back pocket. I say lay it out and let the chips fall where they may. You say you and your “Ole Dude” (LOL) are both Christians, but would you have still wanted to get to know him if he was Buddist or Hindu or Atheist. Although Christians don’t wave flags when we first meet people, it does have some bearing in wanting to spend the time getting to know them. And that is with any deal breaker. Just like a man with three kids all under 10 by three different women. Yeah, that’s a deal breaker, no need to get to know him.

      • @Cbean. Touche’. Agreed his being Athiest would have been a deal breaker and, yes, the baby mama thing is a total deal breaker. I’m only saying that getting to know someone before mentioning that the “cookies” are off the table might be another approach. I didn’t TELL Old Dude that he wasn’t getting any, but by date #3…he was being a man and tried to make a move and when he did, I explained why waiting was important to me which sparked a very grown up discussion about Faith and commitment. At that point, we already had a rapport so we continued “courting” – old school-style, talking and hanging and laughing and sharing our experiences and we realized that there was so much more to what we were feeling than physical and here we are, getting married 2 years later…Good luck finding someone worthy of your love and light. And BTW – I turned 40 y.o. in March. There still ARE good dudes out there!

  4. @ cbean Sorry don’t have a scriptural reference. It’s just something I’ve been taught by christians I respect and who have mentored me. I’ve come to believe it to be true through my own experience. When I’ve put effort behind my desires – in conjunction with prayer – I’ve seen much better results than by prayer alone. That is why I said *I* keep it in mind and don’t try to preach it to the friends I mentioned or anyone else for that matter.

  5. Please go back. Talk to the pastor, talk to other people who will second your motion about attracting more singles (including marrieds). I went to a progressive church that had NO singles ministry but tons of singles. SO. frustrating. My biggest dislike in that church. It was like how are you letting all these singles float out here without some special attention??? You have groups for literally EVERY other segment of this population but that one? I tried to get it done but left the city shortly after.

  6. I like going to church every Sunday with my husband and kids. For me that is family time. Our week goes much better when we start it off at church. I’d be mad if I was married and had kids with a man who had other plans for his Sundays and I was at church by myself with 2 kids.

    I’d be upset if I was married to a man who did not want to tithe.

    I think having core beliefs aligned is important. I’d go crazy if I was married to a man if we did not agree on raising our children. I think its nice when couples are aligned on the issues that are core to each person.

    I’m with Cbean. What does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? Having a husband is not that vital.
    I could not rest if I was married to a man and he was not concerned about his own soul or mine or our children.

    Washington Post has an article saying couples who share religious practices tend to be happier and that religion is the thing that equalizes racial divides in relationship quality among races.

  7. @M. “He helps those who help themselves”. I keep hearing people say that, but could you please give me the scriptual reference. I am not being snarky. I really don’t know if I have ever read that in the Bible.

    My comment is this. I too am a Christian. I love the Lord with all my heart. I have struggled with relationships due to the fact I have always tried to do them my way, the way others think I should do them, and trying to fit into society’s norm. ALL that has FAILED to date. I will be 40 this year and I truly believe in my heart that my 40 years in the wilderness is coming to an end. The Lord finally sat me down back in January and revealed to me why I have been wandering in circles year after year after year. At that moment, I chose to be completely sold out to him especially when dealing with relationships. I have met and been on a few dates, but I have stuck to my vow of celibacy and if they chose not to roll with it, they rolled out. No harm no foul. I’m cool. And if that keeps pushing men away, then that is fine with me. I am not not going to Hell behind no man. Call me what you want, but call me in heaven cause that is where I am destined to go.

    Now about getting out of your comfort zone. I get so tired of hearing that. I am who I am. The Lord made me. Fearfully and wonderfully made me. He knows what I need. He knows where to find me and He is not afraid to talk to me. Like “M” said, I believe the Lord will bring my mate in my life and He will know where to send him to meet me along my daily travels. I have never been the one to be active 24/7 and I am not going to change who I am for a man. I woudn’t not want him to either.

    Didn’t mean to blog, but this topic gets my goat everytime.

    • @ Tiffany…Thanks for the blog love, and your comments on Natasha the Newlywed. You always coe correct 🙂

      Try James 20:20, which basically states that Faith without works is dead. You can have all the faith you want, but you have to put work behind it. Work can include joining an online dating sight such as, going to after work happy hours (you don’t have to drink, you post up with a glass of Sprite), asking your married friends and co-workers if they know a man that you would be interested in. I’m a Christian and I did all of these things without compromising my faith. You can still stay true to yourself. I met my husband on He is a Christian, as a matter of fact at one time in his life he was a youth pastor. That are many great Christian men out there, it’s just that all of them are not sitting in church every Sunday.

      Gook Luck!

      • Natasha, thanks for the reference. I am familiar with that passage of scripture. I can see how it can be turned it the infamous quote. LOL. But yes, I have done all the things you have mentioned, except posting up in a happy hour somewhere. Nothing related to my faith, I have just never been the club/lounge type of person. I will go if it’s for a special occasion, but just to go and “post up”. Not my cup of tea.

      • Oh, and I actually have a date Sunday with a guy from an on-line dating sight.

  8. Good post.

    I know a few women who fit the ‘stay up in the church’ description. I don’t doubt their faith (not my place any way) but I think part of the reason they do so is because it’s comfortable and familiar. Talking to them I get the sense that they are afraid/unwilling to be vulnerable or face the reality that finding a good mate does take some personal effort and investment. I think they really want to believe that Jesus WILL send them their helpmate and if they just have enough faith He will do the heavy lifting. I would never discourage someone’s faith but I also keep in mind that He helps those who help themselves.

  9. Oh my goodness. My friend KP just started a topic about this on FB the other day…I wish I had had this to refer to first, because all I could do was read the replies and think, “what in the world?” You’ve summed it up greatly: Jesus is NOT your husband.

    A few of the women who commented on his post were as you described, in the church 24/7/365, and really weren’t open to meeting me. They pushed them away with this kind of thinking. Oh well. Balance is definitely the key!

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