Rules of Engagement

In every relationship there are boundaries. There are limits you can’t go past, places you can’t go, lines you can’t cross; be it your mother, your boss or your friends.

So when a post by a blogger in my Google Reader popped up, I knew I was gonna to have to blog about it. MochaPeach blogs at Sex and the Southern Belle very candidly about love and relationships, post divorce. The title of the post: Rules for Single People with Married Friends.

That could be a real shit starter, huh. In the post she runs down 10 rules that single folks should be mindful of when having friendships with married folks. Despite what many will say, it is indeed possible.  I’m not going to run down everything on the list but I will say that I was reading it and head nodding in approval and not because I am getting married. The rules she refers to are things that I did when I single!!! And it’s amazing, that other single folks didn’t get the memo.

In particular, I’d like to highlight a few of her rules here:

1) DO NOT call that person at odd times of the freaking day or night. For example, my husband’s so-called BFF (who was a chick) decided she wanted to call him at 7:45 in the goddamn morning once. DUDE…the sun isn’t even out. I’m lying right there (I might have happened to be off work or something). How disrespectful? Her response: I didn’t know she’d be home. SHE”D BE HOME (reminds me of Bernie Mack and “him downstairs”) I don’t even call my married girlfriends before the hours of 9 am or after the hours of 7 pm. Please don’t do it.

2) Speak to the lady or man of the house if they answer the phone. This one used to chafe my hide. My ex’s cousin would call and go “Can I speak to _____?” Bitch…do you think I am the MAID or something? I am the woman of the house. You just don’t speak to people when they answer the phone. I guess I was raised with a certain Southern aesthetic for manners that woulda got me popped in the mouth had I not spoken to whoever answered the phone. A simple “Hey you doing?” woulda sufficed. Oddly enough, when male friends called, they were always so sweet and cordial. Irony indeed….

3) Unless it is a life or death situation, don’t text your married friend late at night. I think this is along the same lines of the calling. Cause if we got that family plan phone bill and we see a bunch of texts from the same number/person, we are going to give you the Rock eyebrow and then the People’s elbow!

I never understood why people did this. This is the height of disrespect and this stunt is usually pulled by either a chick that liked your dude or the dude/chick who is mad his/her friend is getting hitched. As far as Tiffany In Houston is concerned, too much of this foolery is the quickest way to get cussed out.  It has never every crossed my mind to call/text a married friend of mine past respectable people contact hours. EVER.

And this rule right here, number 6 is the one that should have been listed first, BOLDED and UNDERLINED. It reads as follows:

6) If you are a “single friend” who at one point was intimate w/ the married friend, do not be shocked that they will change the nature of your relationship. IT keeps the peace at home. Wives know the two of you fucked. We also know that you all are still friends. And if you want to be all tight like a nun’s pooney that will never do. Just know…you have to keep a respectful distance.

The world is small and there are like 2 degrees of separation amongst most people. Chances are  you may end up dating someone who may have slept with someone that you know distantly. And even if you don’t know this other person, there seems to be this spidey sense from the spousal unit about this individual because they are normally just a bit TOO chummy, just a bit TOO extra, a bit TOO lingering with that hug. I’m not stupid. Game recognizes game.

Those are the type of individuals who tend to get faded to black fairly quickly. And rightfully so.

Those are just a few of her rules for the single folks. I hope she does a companion piece for married folks because they need some guidelines as well.  I’m all about the equal opportunity around this joint. Married folks behave badly too!

I’m not going to ramble on and on but get over there and read her post and stick around to check out her blog. I’ve been lurking for a few months over there and she’s an excellent writer.

Are there rules that you live by when dealing with other folks boundaries???

17 thoughts on “Rules of Engagement

  1. Except now I never know when to call my married friend b/c I don’t want to disrespect her household. I guess I should just ask…

  2. Pingback: coupled up « The Happy Nappy Bride

  3. I hate that this needed to be said. In my mind’s eye if you respect the friend and the friendship you will respect their spouse and recognize that your relationship with them will evolve into something different once they or you get married.

    It’s really not that difficult.

  4. Some people just don’t get it. I think it is also up to the spouse, if need be, to lay down the rules for their single friends. Luckily all of our single friends are mature enough to know the rules and adhere to them. Great post Tiffiany!

  5. I’m a little icy towards former gf’s…I know it’s immature. So everyone better act right from jump street or we gonna have some problems homie.

  6. Tiffany, I saw another side of you! lol Its a shame that this stuff has to be said! It really should be understood. Sometimes people like to play little games and do some of that ish! Please don’t let them do that to you because somebody’s feelings are going to get hurt! I know they won’t be yours! Respect, that’s all that is required, yet people seem to struggle! Please keep this blog after the wedding! You keeps it real! I like that!

  7. There also needs to be list for social media a.k.a. Facebook behavior.

    One of his “blasts from the past” liked to post cutsy lil messages on his Wall, asking semi-personal questions and ish. I’m totally cool with him having female friends and exes who he still speaks to, it’s not like either of us were virgins when we met and note: I’m super confident about where his heart is…HOWSOEVA, I had to put the smack down on that ish.

    It says IN A RELATIONSHIP so respect that, please…

    • @Karen: Exactly, semi-personal commentary and lil inside jokes on folks FB walls are not cute. Those wenches know exactly what they are doing. And they need to be checked. Point blank period.

  8. I got the memo!! LOL. I had a good male friend in high school. When he got married I would always speak to his wife when I called. Hell we would talk longer than he and I and I have yet to meet her in person. We had both moved away from “home state” when he got married. Anywho, after re-connecting after a few years of lost in life, it was his wife that told him I had left a message on the answering machine because he never checks the dang thing. She knows I am no threat because I RESPECT their marriage.

  9. It never ceases to amaze me that folks don’t know the “rules”. Whenever I have to call a male coworker at home, I know their wives probably think I’m nut for giving up my stats before I even ask for their husband!
    “Hello, good morning this is onefromphilly(first and last name), is this Mrs. XXXXXX? How are you? I work at XXXXX and I’m calling to change an early morning meeting because of XXXXXXX, may I speak with XXXXX? lol

    or I just get my S/O or my son to call.

  10. I snapped off that calling and texting ish, too. Some folks thought I was a bish. Whatever, just don’t call here before 10 a.m. or after 10 p.m. unless you are bleeding from a gunshot or knife wound. And not a self-inflicted one either. If your life is a shambles and you need counseling or whatever it will still be a shambles after 10 a.m. tomorrow.

  11. I think the biggest rule over all is to simply respect the marriage. Remember that your friend is now part of a unit that you are not included in. Everybody has that one friend whose spouse they cannot stand… good thing you aren’t the person married to them then! I really dislike when you see a “friend” cheering for the downfall of a relationship. That’s so ugly.

    Good post!

  12. Co-sign HARD!! For the most part, my ex’s friends followed the rules to a T. All of these are just common sense, and apply not just to single friends of married people, but living-together situations — any time you know your friend is in a serious relationship with another person.

  13. Married folks do this with other married folks too. I don’t like to disturb anyone when I know their husbands just got home. Go greet your man! And please nobody call my house at 7 something in the morning. We’re subject to be having morning… ahem… “quality time”. Disturbing my “groove” will get you put on my list. Also, this just may be me. But calling me around 4 pm is invasive too. My kid just got home from school. We’re doing homework and talking about her day.

    • In reply to what you said about the 4 pm thing, it’s not just you. I don’t have kids, but I do keep my Godchildren in the afternoon and all of my people know this. Why my phone would ring at 3:30 when you know I’m standing at the bus stop, gotta fix snacks and help with homework is beyond me. The sad part is that sometimes it’s their mother calling and not to check on them but to vent about her day, uh no boo this aint your time.

      • While I get the part about after hours, as a single, no I’m not going to take into account every moment you may be with your kids fixing snacks or waiting at the bus stop tho. 3:30 or 4 pm is an appropriate time to call. If you can’t talk, let it roll to voicemail. It always amazes me when folks pick up the phone all mad cuz you caught them at a bad time. Voicemail works for a reason. 😆

  14. I had to come out of lurkdom for this one.
    GREAT POST!!!!!!!
    People do NOT understand that the rules are sometimes a little different when you get married. It’s really a matter of respect.

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