When you start planning a wedding, there are a lot of resources available to brides and grooms to be. You can go to bridal shows and speak face to face with vendors, you can purchase books and tons and tons of magazines. You can hop online and visit with Mr. Google and he will return thousands and thousands of search results about wedding dresses, ceremony venues, and inspiration boards full of colors.
If you are like me, then your first stop might be The Knot. It is one of the oldest and most well know spots on the web for and about weddings. They have all kinds of ideas, photos and message boards for brides to chat about anything and everything related to weddings. I went there initially for ideas and hung around as a lurker on their boards. I didn’t stay very long. The general tone of the Knot boards is…well let’s just say those chicks aren’t the nicest, especially to newbies. Then I got a recommendation from a FB friend about a site called Chocolate Brides. I joined there and started a planning thread there and found the ladies very nice and helpful but they are a close knit group and I found it a little hard to connect over there. But I still peek in from time to time because I love to see Black women in love and getting married. I also participate on Wedding Bee and a very good site called a A Practical Wedding, which tends to look at weddings and marriage from a feminist but realistic stance.
So because I am a black bride, I deliberately went searching for resources that showed black women getting married. Needless to say there isn’t very much out there in a lot of the mainstream wedding media. I found some black bride bloggers and starting reading their blogs. I debated about whether to start my own. I comment prolifically on several blogs and run my mouth constantly on Twitter so I polled my peeps and asked them should I take the plunge. I talked with the Mister and once I got the OK from him (because blogging about your wedding can get really personal and I didn’t want to violate his privacy) I was in it to win it.
I’m getting a bit long winded here but I am going somewhere with this, so stay with me. What I noticed most about reading these personal blogs and lurking around on boards is how 2 major life events seemed to bring out the most judgment from the people around us. Those two events are marriage and becoming parents. Every blog I’ve read so far has talked about how badly people judge the type of wedding that particular person was having. If it was too traditional or not traditional enough, or too indie/DIY or how much money was spent (or the lack of money spent for that matter). And for the bride (and grooms), the judgment of others was a major stressor as they planned their nuptials. I even admit to having made a comment or two about folks and their wedding planning ideas, whether as a bridesmaid or as a wedding guest. Little did I know how stressful this process can be, until I got on the other side of the fence.
I read a blog the other day where the bride (now wife) expressed her disappointment with the fact that she had a horrible DJ and that one guest had the nerve to come up and tell her that she was leaving her reception because she was bored!!! Really??? Why would you tell someone that on their wedding day, when they already are full of anxiety?? Tacky much??
I have been somewhat fortunate that I haven’t gotten a lot of judgment from my family and friends and everyone has generally been supportive but I fully admit to having dreams nightmares about this wedding and wanting to have a special day, not just for me and Myron, but for my peeps and my family as well. That is very important to me. And so I have tried to remain centered on what matters the most, which is marrying Myron and having the love and support of the people who love US, opinions and judgments be damned.
Because at the end of the day, everyone is going to have an opinion and they are going to say what they are going to say.
Everyone also has an asshole too, don’t they??? And you know what they say about that. 😉