Making It A Fair Fight

(Editor’s Note: This is a situation that a reader of mine asked me to blog about. Please help her out with your pertinent, helpful comments. Thanks!)
 
 
My gentle reader is a in committed, serious relationship. She has been under some stress lately and her and her boyfriend had an argument. During the course of the argument, he said: (quoting directly) “sometimes you are a bitch!”. Needless to say, my gentle reader is feeling some kind of way about this. She has never been called a “bitch” before by any man she has dated. This is the first time her boyfriend has ever called her any type of name. This is not a pattern (from what I could tell from our conversation).
 
Her boyfriend wants them to live together but because she has issues with the way disagreements are handled she has declined to move forward with a discussion about co-habitation. His style of disagreement is confrontational, while she is the type to avoid conflict.
 
My gentle reader would like some opinions about her scenario.
 
My questions to my dear commenters:
 
1) How should she address the fact that she was called a derogatory name by her boyfriend? Should it be addressed at all?
 
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12 thoughts on “Making It A Fair Fight

  1. I’m with pserendipity. I know I can be a bitch sometimes and any guy I’m with will know it too. It would be different if he said “you are a bitch” or something. But If I were to tell him he could be a real jerk or asshole sometimes it wouldn’t be the same as calling him something straight up derogatory.

    If it really bothered me, I’d wait til the situation blew over and then sit him down and let him know that this can’t happen again. I’ve never given much power to the “bitch” word, but there are some names I could be called that would generate a good talking to. If the situation happened again, then I’m looking for the exit. No one who claims to care about me would keep making that mistake.

  2. I don’t understand why she didn’t address it right then and there. Seriously. The immediate reaction from me would have been a resounding…”BITCH WHAT? YOU’D DO BETTER CALLING YA MAMA A BITCH BEFORE YOU THINK THAT’S GOING TO BE THE NORM HERE!”

    And then I do believe things would have gone the way they should have.

  3. Tell him her deal breaker is being called derogatory names. If he does it again the deal is off.

    I do think same people know that most people don’t want to be insulted during arguments. If he can’t stay on the issue at hand and she can, he might be better off with a gutter mouth mate.

  4. Being confrontational and communicating are two different things. I’m not siding with him at all, but I had to learn the heard way that I suck at communication in personal relationships, as do a vast majority of people. I’m sure I would he hurt at first, but like another reader said you cannot expect him to be able to read your mind. If you don’t communicate with him, he won’t know how you feel Men aren’t that smart. We have to guide them and help them learn us.

  5. Hmmm. I’m in the huge minority here. It probably wouldn’t have bothered me at all. Sometimes, I’m a bitch and I’m well aware that my SO knows that about me, and I’m sure he thinks it to himself at times. There wouldn’t be a problem if it was spoken, just like I wouldn’t be mad if my best friend said the same thing. Now, if he said “stupid bitch” or “ugly bitch” or something like that, thems fighting words…..

    Wait. This isn’t about me. If it bothers her, she can’t afford to be non-confrontational. You wanna have your cake and eat it, too, and expect that he should act like YOU think he should act. At some point, you’re going to have to confront him and tell him that you ain’t havin’ that and he’ll probably alter his behavior. His last chic mighta just tossed back an “and you’re a da*n fool” and kept it moving. YOU have to let him know that YOU won’t take it, and he’ll probably stop.

  6. Let me ask another question: why move in together? Is this a prelude to marriage or just cohabitation for cohabitation’s sake? Once I know that then I can better advise as to whether or not she should vest more in this relationship or tell ol’ dude to kick rocks.

  7. If it’s bothering her, of course she should address it with him. He should have said “Sometimes you ACT LIKE a bitch” instead. Maybe he’s a poor communicator; maybe he’s a horse’s azz or maybe she should own her behavior.

  8. Wow – it’s difficult for me to comment on this one. I have to agree with MrsSaditty – it might get worse when they move in together. Her perceived flaws will be in his face daily and he’ll have to be able to deal with it in a mature manner.

    They need to have a nice long talk about handling disagreements before any discussions about living together.

  9. If it made you feel some kinda way and you don’t like it, don’t deal with it. Simple. Life is too short. I personally think you should have checked his behind on the spot. You should have told him right then and there, how you felt.

  10. No go. If he is voicing his opinions on her behavior in such a way before they are married, how the hell will he express his opinions afterwards? If she is nonconfrontational and he is, what is going to change? Better yet, have they discussed how disagreements will be handled because of their differences?

  11. My ex would call me a bitch in arguments. It was his way of fighting unfair because he only did it when he felt like he was losing and/or I didn’t care.

    The first time he did it I was shocked because we had talked about how I knew people called me that, how I felt about it, etc… I was surprised that he would do that. I realized, at the time, he was frustrated and it was all he knew to say to get me. When he realized it worked — he used it often.

    He would ALWAYS apologize afterwards. It was the cycle we’re all aware of.

    We both had things we would do or say to each other to “win” or to get a quick jab in that were NOT ok or acceptable. Our relationship was unhealthy as a result.

    I think this dear gentle reader should ABSOLUTELY talk to her boyfriend about that. Tell him how it made her feel and explain that it’s not acceptable. It would also be a good way to show him why she doesn’t want to move in with him. It’s very tangible and recent. He can either apologize and commit to doing better or show her his true colors and possibly save her a whole lot of extra.

  12. If she is bothered by it, she should definitely address it. She should approach it and tell boyfriend that she felt a certain kind of way when he referred/compared her to a bitch. (cuz you know he’s gonna say that he didn’t call her one. She was just acting like one.) Then she needs to lay the groundwork for it not happening again. Simply ask that he refer to her by her name or whatever pet name she’s okay with.

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