Sandwiched

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I was reading the blog of one of my Twitter friends and I noticed that she lives with her mom and helps provide care for her. Then I happened to be on FB and saw the status of one of my college roommates giving an update on the progress of her mother, who had suffered a stroke in late 2012 and who had come to stay with her on a full time basis. That got me to thinking, as we age, our parents do too. And as part of the sandwich generation, many folks are raising kids while assisting with elderly parents. And while if you are married, you may have some help shouldering the load, it’s much more difficult if you are a single person (with or without kids). My folks are in relatively good health for their ages (early 60s) however Myron’s mom left us way too soon at the age of 57 so it’s probably time for me to have that (morbid) chat with the parental units. Can’t say I’m looking forward to it.

Have you talked with your parents about their long term health care or retirement plans? If you are married, how are you handling it?

If you are single, what are you doing? And if you are single, how do you balance managing all of that and trying to date? Are you dating at all?

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11 responses »

  1. This is an interesting situation for me. My mother is married to someone who is not my father and while I like him…well, he’s not my father. I am interested in my mother coming to live closer to me, especially as we move closer to having children, but I have to take her life partner into account. It works now since they are both relatively healthy but I wonder how we would handle if my mother did fall ill.

  2. And my fiance lost his Mother last year after a long battle with Alzheimers. So my Mom has been his surrogate Mom for the last 4 years. His Dad and Mom were divorced decades ago. His Dad is a single guy with a lady friend and they travel all the time. So he is moving to Philly with me. He has 3 brothers, a sister and a host of nieces and nephews who will come to visit often, so I don’t feel bad about taking him away from them.

  3. My parents are 84 and 79. They are in GREAT health thanks be to God! But I’m an only child now and I know that when they do need me I need to be closer. I’m moving back to Philly as soon as my job comes through. My Mom does NOT want to live with me…LOL. So she and I have come up with a plan that my parents will sell their house and build a house on the same property as mine. The houses can connect by an enclosed walkway. The only problem with this plan is we haven’t even talked to my Dad about it. ROFLMAO! Cause my Dad isn’t about to move out of his house without a fight. He LOVES Philly but I can not live within the City limits for many reasons.

    I’m looking forward to living like this. My parents don’t bother me and I rather like hanging out with them. My son is 22, so I’m not still raising him, but he still needs my foot in his backside from time to time. But I told him this is MY time now and I need to look after my parents and he needs to either join in on this adventure or fly solo!

  4. I’ve tried to talk to my parents about their needs as they get older…they’re not trying to have the conversation which is irritating as all get out. They are both currently in excellent health and while it’s my prayer that they stay this way until their last moment on earth, we all know it may not work out that way. I plan on broaching the subject with them again soon. I would have no problem with my parent(s) coming to live with us if that’s what they wanted/needed to do. But I know they wouldn’t be happy. They love the Cali life.

    As the parents of an only child I pray that we don’t ever “burden” her with our care especially due to diseases and conditions that can be avoided by exercising and staying as healthy as possible.

  5. My sister and I have talked about it between us than we have with our parents, but we know they’ve done their planning and continue to do so. They’ve expressed they don’t want us to have to take care of them. We all did that with my grandmother before she died last year and it was incredibly hard on everyone in various ways. My sister is in the same city with our parents and doesn’t plan to move. I’m close enough to get there quickly and help her out frequently when that time comes. We have an aunt that lives in the same city with me and her child lives across the country. We know we’ll have to add her to our care plans since there haven’t been any talks of her child moving closer. They’re all in their mid-sixties with various health concerns but at this point nothing that keeps them from being independent and able to take care of themselves. The biggest topic of discussion right now is whether they should move to a different house. Their’s is paid for but is multiple levels. My father has rheumatoid arthritis and my mother has nerve problems with her legs so stairs are challenging for them most days.

  6. I think being single is more of a question for only children. I am fortunate that I have 3 sisters and a brother to help care for my parents so my single status is not that big an issue. My dad was diagnoses with cancer last year so the talks began then. Both my parents are retired so my mom has been able to help my dad with appointments and everything else which is a HUGE blessing. I am in GA and they are CT so I doubt I will ever be responsible for daily care but will probably send money to assist.

    What I hate most about aging is that we have enough medical technology to keep people alive…but the quality of life may suffer. I don’t want my parents to leave this earth one day sooner than what is written…but I also don’t want them in a nursing home for years because they are too far advanced for my sister/brothers to take care of them.

  7. We haven’t talked about it but I would be glad to have my parents live with me as long as they were healthy enough for me to care for them on my own. I do know they have some type of insurance to pay for care if they need it. I would not feel guilty about them being in a nursing him if it was close enough for me to visit several times a week. My mom takes care of my grandfather.

  8. I’m single and I’m my Mom’s primary caregiver. I lived away from home for 12 years and during that time my Dad died and my Mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Over the last year the disease has progressed more and more. It’s difficult to see this transition, but I’m coping as best I can.

    I have an older brother in town and between he, his wife, and I we do the best we can. We have a young lady that drives her around, when needed, and I go to all of her Doctor’s appts. I’m thankful for a flexible boss and work schedule.

    I’ve been in a long-term relationship and he understands there are times when I have to do something for my Mom. My Mom also knows that I’m involved in various public service orgs. so I have various commitments. We make do and her friends are quite supportive and come when needed.

    I never expected to be living this way, but you do what you have to.

  9. Hmmmm…My mom has talked about moving from SC to DC so she can “help me out”… I say “no way!”-at least not yet. I am single, but I have jokingly told my parents I will put them in a home when the time comes. My parents have been divorced for over 20 years, and since I’m an only child, I know their care when they get older will fall on me. And I’m not sure they could live under the same roof again. My dad is 60 and my mom just turned 56, and both have mothers that currently live by herself (my maternal grandmother is 84) and lived by herself until she passed (my paternal grandmother was days shy of her 95th birthday).

    I say all of this to say I hope I have at least 10-15 more years until I seriously have to think about this. Hopefully by that time I’ll be married, and if someone does have to come live with me, it won’t be a problem for my (future) husband.

  10. I’m single but I’m not caring for an ailing parent yet. My mom has rheumatoid arthritis and suffered two strokes in her early 40s, in addition to being hospitalized last year for a week. After the second stroke in 2005, I spoke with her and my stepdad and convinced them to move back to Houston from Atlanta. My reasoning was that I would like to care for my mom should anything happen to her. I love my mom but I just don’t trust anyone, including my sister, to care for her properly. Any man I marry has to be on board with the possibility of my mom moving in should she become terminally ill.

  11. It’s all my mom can talk about since her mother passed away last year. I have to say it will be easier on me because she has got all her ducks in a row.

    We’ve also planned for her and I to live together post-retirement. I don’t say “her live with me” because I plan for us to live equally. She keeps saying that it will change if I get married again, but I honestly don’t see that happening.

    I’m actually looking forward to her moving here and having her around all the time!

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